Customer Sercive?

I called my satellite internet provider yesterday around 4 o'clock for a very important reason. I waited from the hours of 1pm to 4pm for their installation guy to show up and give me the goods.

I dialed them digits hoping to get a person to yell at on the other line, but..... It was a computer.

So after using my touch tone phone for 15 more minutes I finally get the option to dial 2 for personal assistance. The elevator music starts and the real fun begins.

All circuits are busy, but stay on the line and your call will ba taken in the order it was received. Now judging from the amount of time I spent waiting I was really far in the back of the line. I waited for another good 15 minutes after the computer options. During that time it occurred to me that if I was waiting this long, there were alot of other people just as pissed in front of me. Not to mention that after I had spared with the computer for 15 just to get in the back of the line I was going to be extremely pissed.

Finally a woman answers. I tell her the problem and that they wasted my day. She informs me it is not their fault, it is the local installers and that I need to take it up with them. She gives me a number and lets me go.

I call them, All circuits are busy, please call back later.

HOLY SHIT!

I call Hughes Net back. 15 minutes of computer interaction and Jon Tesh late I am back on the phone with a new person. I have to re-tell my tale. The new person puts me on hold to call the local installer herself, I re-jam out to Jon Tesh for 10 more. She comes back and tells me she got through but there was an error in the computer options and she has to call back. What ever happened to calling a business and having a person answer first, but again I wait.

Once more me and Tesh go to the well.


20 later she is finally back, and here is what she said happened with them not showing. Their truck, the one used to install Satellites, didn't have the right equipment to install a satellite, so they couldn't do it.

TWO problems with that, one they didn't call, I was waiting for 4 hours. Two they are a installation business, how the fuck can you not have the equipment?

Now I got the Hughes Net chick pissed as well, she says she will handle it and have them call me with a verified installation time and date with-in the hour.

They Don't call.

I call Hughes Net back, what happened to my Tesh? Now it's Bolton and I begin to breath fire.

The same girl answers the phone again after 10 minutes and we get back into it. Again she deflects blame to the local installer and says for me to stay on the line she is going to conference call them with me. she gets through to the local guys and the dude on the other line blows her off and is a dick. I try to talk and they ignore me. She bitches him out and says they no longer have Hughes Net America's largest satellite internet provider and their sister company Direct TV's business.

I am pretty sure that just ran the local dudes out of business.

We drop him from the conversation and she says she will locate another provider in the region and call me back with the installation time herself.

She never calls back and today I call Hughes Net to find out what the fuck is going on. Apparently they canned her because the call was monitored. They assigned me to a new guy named Jason. He gives me the number for the new local provider to call and set up installation. At this point I am so mad I am considering trying to get this guy fired for not just solving my problem himself.

See you have to understand, I already paid them weeks ago for the $600 dish needed for the service and my first months fee of $69.99 and haven't seen a second of high speed internet. All they have done if throw me from one local provider to another, they haven't done shit but make me wait for hours on the phone, all while already pocketing $670. They are just middle men, but they are the only game in town. I beg somebody to try to convince me that all these large scale media mergers are good in any way what so ever.

Finally I call the new local guys, dance the computer dance, then a woman answers the phone. I tell her that I need to schedule installation and she says her husband is out of the office and he will call me back today after 4.

I turn beet red, hang up, and drive to the store to buy a Jon Tesh CD just to remind me of the good ol days.

Designer Jeans, the Drug of the Future...Present?

First of all the title of this entry reminds me of Time Splitters: Future Present, which is a great game, gotta get that outa the way. It's the only reason I still have an XBox.

But on to the real threat, denim. Denim, specifically in jean form, is scary controlling. Nothing feels better than having a pair of jeans you look really good in. In my case I had a pair of Diesel Zathan 772's than I wore till they died and now there is a hole in my heart.

I've tried replacing them, lavishing myself with expensive pairs of other Diesel jeans, but it is not the same, they changed their manufacturing process and now I can't get my fix.

At close to $180.00 a pop if you lucky, Diesel jeans will tear a hole in wallet as fast as they do your heart when they inevitable die from over wear. Sure you can get them on ebay, at sample sale, or at a whole salers, but they never seem to fit just right unless you shell out all the clams.

I own or have own over 10 pairs and only 1 really did it for me. The others just remind me of how much I miss my Zathan 772's (manufacture pre 2006). As soon as they show up at my door step and disappoint I send them back or sell them on Ebay.

It's like having really good crack and then just slightly worse crack from then on out. It's like your first kiss or first sexual experience, those will always be special, these new jeans they are like sniffing glue compared to the full on crack experience of my first good pair.

What am I to do, I keep buying and selling, selling and buying, hoping one day that magic pair will show up and replace the ones that god took from before their time.

I know you may think it's intervention time. Quick make him wear Lee Dungarees or wranglers till he flushes his system, but that like any withdrawal may kill me. Is that a risk your willing to take, better instead find me some Diesel jeans quick before I snap and shake you down for money to re-up my stash.

In the end sure it may kill me, I may become to addicted and the search may prove so taxing that I finally lose my grip and my brain just turns off. But man if I find that pair, the pair I know is out there, I will die happy with a smile on my face with a crowd of people looking over my dead body saying

"Man he's dead, but those are some nice jeans."

My Dad Builds Post Apocalyptic Landscapes

I was heading down Wright road this morning when I decided to make a detour to the ADM job my dad is working on. ADM is the place in Grand Ledge where farmers take their grain to have it weighed and checked for moisture content, then sell it. As I came around the corner to where the facility normally stands I come into a world only scene in baddass Mad Max movies from the 80's (Oh Mel how we all miss your less anti-Semetic days).

In front of me is an amalgamation of metal and sand, a playground for gas pirates and Ausies everywhere. In the middle a giant steel structure shoots to the heaven, flanked by an unfinished metal wall with a crain in the middle, all of it surrounded by dirt and gravel. The only human in sight? My dad. He is sitting on his bulldozer pushing dirt piles into flattened dirt paths to latter be covered in gravel and blacktop.

But for now it looks like Nevada 2078.

It's so awesomely Post Apocalyptic that you mouth should become dry just picturing it. All I wanted was like a classic muscle car missing the doors with guns welded to it, maybe by the A team if I am lucky, and then a few bad guys to kill.

Actually my dad on his great moving metal thrown of destruction could have been the boss. He looks like duke Nukem, has a bulldozer, is friggin huge and dirt covered, plus he has that awesome blown back hair that all good villains have; see Vince McMahon.

It made me sad to leave the future and return to this computer to tell its tale, but I needed some juicy juice to quench my parched throat. I wonder how the world will end up looking like that? All the usual suspects need to be considered. Natural disaster, a nuke, over consumption of natural resources, The election of my dad as President, aliens, extreme sports, MTV, it could be any of them, or maybe all of them.....

Trapeze, Yet Another Reason to Hate Carnies

Ok circus folk are weirdos.

They are like English Pikeys with a penchant for drawing unusual attention to themselves through psuedo artistic, acid trippy, poor man's cedar point style activites. They travel in large groups with semi trucks filled with equipment used to lure little kids into large tents with middle age men in body paint, it's borderline petafilia.

So it is with obvious distain that I rant on the cats craddle of circus structures the Trapeze. This weekend me and a few friends were in Boyne Falls MI for a little drinking and relaxing. We had a condo, alot of access to water rides, and more liquor than Harrison Ford at the premier of U571.

After one fateful evening that saw us take a ski lift to the top of Boyne Mt. we decided to hit up the local bars. After some fun at Piersons and the Trophy Room, at which there were no trophy's, we decided it best to head back to our condo for more drinking.

Then it happened.

We opened the door to the Trophy Room bar and BAM, some ninja Carnies erected a midnight Trapeze set right in the courtyard of the grand hotel. Now of course me, not of sound mind, decided that we should climb this Trapeze set and play on it. Four of the eight of us agreed and we set to trespassing.

After jumping the ladder guard and boosting the girls up we played like kids in a ball pit not realizing that somebody probably pissed in there. Not until I layed on my back facing up however did I see what the Carnies had trapped me with.

A higher platform to jump off of.

We were 10 feet in the air, but to jump from 20 feet is something no drunk man trying to impress his girlfriend can resist. So I started my accent to greatness.

At the top I sat on my ass and pushed off, thinking did not go into this equation. As I began to fall I realized that i was straight as a board. By the time my toes went between the razor wire that is these Carnie safty nets it was to late. My back and neck whiplashed backwards as my stomach shot forward, I preceded to touch my ankles to the back of my head.

I am sure the lady was impressed.

But the fun didn't stop there, as my feet went deeper into the net and my body bent like a banana I build up quite a bit of potential energy. Something had to give and it wasn't going to be the razor wire safty net. I shot forward face first across the net on my forarms and nose. When the dust settled my nose looked someone skinned it like a carrot and my forarms were more black and blue than a pledges ass after frat initiation night.

Fear those Ninja Carnies men, they will temp you the next time you indulge youself in to many libations, whether it be the trapeze, human canon, or the bearded lady, there is no resisting their charms.

updating the job front

Apparently that job I was eluding to last post is happening. My first piece will be an interview with the Dallas Cowboys starting tackle, and former MSU Spartan, Flozell Adams. This is a face to face interview with a professional athlete, to say i am crapping my pants is an understatement.

In fact I crapped your pants I am so scared.

But some of the other names Rina Risper, my new part time boss, knows goes as follow

All The Detroit Pistons
Dwayne Wade, his mom
Shaq's mom, in fact she had to cancel a trip to her yearly BBQ this week
Almost any MSU player to turn pro

It's insane.

God I hope I don't &@#% this up.

A normal post?

Ya nothing good today, just a little ditty about how it's hard to find work when you wont settle for anything less than a job working towards your career goals. In my case sports journalism.

It's been 4 months and a few leads have already died out, but the most recent is promising. We are in the pay negotiation part, so it may actually come to fruition.

Now all I need to do is learn how to properly write this crazy English language and I'll be all set. I set a goal of making a million dollars in 07, so I better get to cracking.

Snakes..... er Explosive Liquids on a Plane

Holy shit they tried it again, you have to give those crazy Jihadist assholes some credit. If at first you succeed in a horrible and immoral murderous action like 9/11, try try again.

As I am sure you heard, yesterday 21 assholes were caught trying to sneak multiple liquids, to be combined during flight and detonated by I-POD's and other electronic devices, onto planes in their carry on luggage.

Now I know I-POD's are possibly the most dangerous invention every to rape the social landscape, social interaction? Why when I can get Rush Limbaugh on PODCAST, but I never thought they could make their way into terrorists agendas. I mean Al Quada is dangerous, but combined with an I-POD and we are talking world domination.

My I-POD, which just showed up one day and took over my life, speaks to me as I try to sleep, it's terrifying. Now I have to worry about it blowing up liquids sneaked into my bedroom dress in coke cans.

But back to Jihadist assholes, I am not sure how to take this one.

I mean hurray we caught them, seriously, I can't imagine the havoc that could have happened, we're talking an international 9/11 here. Those planes had passengers from all over the world ready to ride them. So its fantastic we got 'em. It also should help bolster more global support of anti-terrorist securities.

But, and as bad as this is going to sound.

It also really puts the ball back in Gun Slinger G.W. Bush's court. This prevented scenario is really going to open another window for somewhat less abated action on the part of the President.

Not that I think it shouldn't, but Bush's track record in said situation has been one of horrible abuse. So I am not really looking forward to that, hopefully congress has learned its lesson on quick momentum filled support.

My friend Pat Ward, who as of August 1st is in basic training, may have been on to something when he opened up the debate of a PR war on Terrorism. This fight is not a fight, terrorism is an ideology of sorts, you can't bomb an ideology. But you can kill one through years and years of carefully crafted public relations and political posturing.

This most recent failure on the part of terrorist's hopefully equates to one bad PR hit globally, and in their recruiting circles.

Luckily terrorism can't fight the PR battle. See when what you're pushing is the death of innocent civilians, people don't tend to buy what your selling. Well not unless your a tobacco company.....

But I'll save that rant for another day.

Till then, a serious thank and good job to the British security forces at Heathrow Airport.

Bowling, Satan's game of marbles

I went bowling yesterday, for 5 hours. Today my body feels like a man beat my right side with a lead pipe filled with the blood of the innocent. Not good.

See I decides something. Bowling, a game with a fine mix of white trash and caveman elements, is actually the work of the devil. You take a shinny orb, that by the end of the day your are praying to for strikes, and throw is forcefully at a triangle of white pins. Hell the ball is even returned to you from some evil magic underground tunnel, I bet the Devil personally tee bags each ball before it is returned just to hammer his point home.

So Bowling combines praying to false gods, aggression, white trash fun, the Devil's dick bag, and the destruction of glowing holy white pins. Seems like the serious work of Beelzibub (that's the devil for you not in the know) to me. I mean think about it, what a crafty way to get people to join the dark side. One minute you think you are enjoying throwing polished balls on a greased lane and next thing you know, BAM, you rolled out the red carpet to you heart for Satan.

I hope the Christian extremists get wind of this, then they can stop shooting abortion doctors and start really cleansing the earth by blowing up the real threat to a perfect Christian world, Bowling Alley's

My accursed 31 inch Waist

I know what your thinking, a 31 inch waist, what a baddass. But hold your horses there cowboy, in fact a 31 inch waist sucks balls. I don't own a single pair of jeans I can wear without a belt. In fact the 31 x 34 size I need is the holy grail of pants. Unfortunately it is also a farce, no person in their right mind produces more than 1 pair of that jean.

Why you ask?

Because most of the people who are interested in buying them, like yours truly, are dead. That's right, 31 inches is the size your waist can shrink to when your stone dead. Some cadavers still have an easier time finding jeans than me because they only get down to a 32, lucky dead bastards.

SO as my continuing searches leads to dead ends, I begin to consider that all important question.

Should I get ass implants?

I know it seems ridiculous, but I challenge you to consider this. People such as me who suffer from Nastitol (No-Ass-At-All) disease would save a fortune on custom tailoring costs with some dumps in their trunks. In the long run my ass implants would pay for themselves. Also in this "I like big butts I cannot lie" era that we live in, I would face far less undeserved scrutiny for my lacking butt cheeks.

I will be torn in half when considering this life and possibly ass altering surgery, god give me the strength to make the right decision.

Eixt Casa-Knollwood

That's right kiddies, I'm Out. I know it's sad, but all good things must come to end. So must my tenure at the dankest apartment complex this side of the projects. I appreciate the memories and the laughs, but most of all the late night rave fest put on my middle eastern neighbors. Lalalallalalalalalalallalalalalalal one more time fer me guys.

As fer the move....

I will be putting my tail through my legs and camping it out in the basement of Castle Pete for a few months before grad school. Here's to family diners, the hilarity that is my dads every day actions, and the realization that all my friends in Lansing are gone.

Fuck TGI Fridays

Those pretentious bastard over at TGI Friday's had the audacity to poison my god damn food. I was sitting on the toilet longer than it took me to take the SAT"s. Though in the good I did get to read articles in GQ on Oliver Stone and Justin Timberlake. Did you know that Oliver Stone did coke in an Arkansas prison on an electric chair, or that JT loved Britney since he was 11?

Crazy shit eh?

Ok well time to pass out on the pile of clothes that replaced the bed I threw out. Hope I don't wake up in my Jack Daniels New York Strip I paid 17.99 to expunge.

I've not yet begun to blog

So ya it's a craze, blogging is what insane people have been waiting on for hundreds of years.

Finally a medium of communication where Nazi Christians (and no I don't actually mean the Christians who supported the Nazi, like Hitler's Pope, but actually the use of the word Nazi to describe crazy in your face idealists... jeez) can preach at people without getting the oh so familiar "fuck you and your god" responce from bitter atheists.

Finally a medium where legalize it hippies can get the word out on their weed revolution without people condisendingly asking them if they have a job or if they majored in philosohpy in college.

And finally for the homeless, who if they had internet access, a proper education, and some computer savy, could effectively have an electronic "I will work for food" sign.

So excuse me if I am little excited to be apart of this internet, nay, CULTURAL phenomena. Born from the loins of people who spend to much time in front of a computer at work, it will change my life, as I hope it changes yours. A launching pad to say anything you ever wanted without the fear of anyone saying shit back is stupendous.

Giddy to be here and giddy to be involved blogging community. Whooooooooooooo!