Wolverine Vs Predator still.....

I was reminded today of two things.

The first is of the most ridiculous and lopsided fight ever thought of. The second is that I'm a huge dork.

Back in high school (yes my high school memories are not of my legendary football moments, but rather of arguments I got about who would win a fight between two random fantasy characters) there was this stupid debate at our table over who would win a fight.

Wolverine

or

The Predator

I know what you are thinking, but Curtis that's a laugh, everyone knows that Wolverine would skull fuck the Predator in a fight. Yes well as it turns out not every one. Zack Heaton, my best friend at this time, was a green techno music dork who definetly wandered into the wrong nerd waters. He took the Predators side and preceded to take shit for the next 5 years about it.

Before I get into this stupid argument I'll tell you why it came up. My friend Ashely called me today to ask me if Wolverine would need a weight belt to go scuba diving...... she is a woman... called me of her own accord.... no money was put up to do this.

So we debated the bone density of his adamantium skeleton and the total weight he of his body in comparison to his height, along with scenes in comics I have seen of him swimming. The conclusion, he sinks fast. It's a few minutes I want back, because if I am going to debate what a fantasy character can do, it's not going to be if he sinks or swims. It's gonna be who's ass he can kick.

Predator vs Wolverine.....

Wolverine has beaten in a one on one fight--off the top of my head-- Cable, Sabertooth, Omega Red, a legion of brood aliens, Bishop, Cyclops, Lobo (DC Marvel cross over... lame), Cap'n America, Iron Man, and fought The Hulk to a draw twice. He has killed countless hordes of baddies that you only see half a bloody body of as he makes his way into another picture panel smoking a cigar. He has survived innumerable amounts of explosions, poison, guns shots, stabs, burns, and broken hearts.... Damn you red....

That means, eye lasers, plasma guns, energy absorption, regeneration, super strength, robotic suits of armor, black anger, and freedom can't beat him.

The Predator has guns, a disk shooter, mandibles, green blood, dreadlocks, and the ability to blow himself up...rad.

Wolverine pretty much can't be killed, has unbreakable bones and claws, can smell blood from miles away, has more body hair than my dad, better one liners than Arnold, fought in WW2, was trained as a samurai, and has a mind full of crazy memories that even professor X wont go near. Plus he is all over those button up shirts at Hot topic that dorks wear to weddings.

It goes like this.

1. Predator turns invisible and climbs a tree. Wolverine lights up a cigar and drinks a beer.
2. Predator sneaks around with his crazy vision and takes a pop shot and Wolverine. Wolverine drops his beer from the laser charring all the flesh off of his hand.
3. Predator fires a bunch more hokey disks and lasers at Wolverine who take as many as he needs to the chest to sober himself up.
4. Wolverine regenerates behind a tree peeling off the rest of the flannel he didn't want to be wearing in the first place. The predator moves in to finish the job.
5. Wolverine smells where the predator is because he is a dirty alien. What follows happens to all the C villians marvel wants to kill off but make it memorable, they let their money machine Wolverine do it.
6. The Predator pulls out his gay Darth Maul wanna be staff and starts to try and beat Wolverine down. Wolverine cuts it in half while saying "bad move bub".
7. The Predator's shoulder cannon shoots wolverine in the face. Wolverine takes it so he can get closer to the Predator.
8. Wolverine uses the eye he has left to size up the Predator and stabs him in the neck.
9. The Predator screams that pussy scream they gave him and runs to the nearest Wendy's bathroom to ground up porcelain in his melting dish and cauterize the wound.
10. Wolverine stalks him to the bathroom with all his flesh back and more hair growth in those regions than any Italian could ever muster in that time.
11. Wolverine kicks open the door and castrates the Predator in the Wendy's bathroom. The predator lays on his back and says "fuck you" in his mandible garble.
12. As the stupid alien clock on his arm winds down Wolverine goes out and orders a frosty. Nothing is better for a hang over than a frosty. He takes one bite when the whole building blows up.
13. Wolverine walks out of the ruble with no clothes and a ton of burn marks. His dick, the first thing to regenerate, is already bigger than the Predators was erect.

While that is being generous to the Predator, because Wolverine was drunk at the start of the fight, there is an easier solution. That solution is the two word answer to why the Predator can never beat Wolverine in a fight no matter how drunk he wants to be when it starts.

Danny Glover

Harley Davidson Beef Jerky

Here's a phrase I was happy to never say in my life, "Harley Davidson Beef Jerky". Man I thought I was gonna make it, but 25 years in, pow! They fucking made their own beef jerky. I mean I get it, when the cowboys crossed the prairies of the Wild Wild West they needs some serious salted beef to make it through the harsh heat. The steel cowboys of the Bon Jovi era need salted beef too, how else can they blaze on the cement trail of modern America? Well by chomping down on a little stick of heart attack endorsed by their favorite brand of motorcycle, that's how.

Here's the issue, how did this happen? If I am in an exec meeting at Harley and my boss says "Hey anyone got any good idea's before we get out of here and go ride our hogs into the sunset like we do every Tuesday?" Do I really raise my hand and actually say "Harley Davidson Brand Beef Jerky" without laughing like I just snorted a ground up payday mixed with clean cut Columbia south grade coke? Probably not, I probably keep my hand down because that idea sounds fucking stupid. And also I keep it down because no matter how much clean cut Columbian south grade coke I mix with it, the payday, even snorted, will still render me motionless, as it is the most satisfying of all candy bars.

But back to that Wild West metaphor for a sec. Cowboys are fucking baddass. I mean like kill everybody in the bar, then drink a bottle of whiskey, and before you exit, break it on a guys head on the way out. You don't fuck with a cowboy, anyone who can break the will of a wild stallion and not break their pelvic bone at the same time, is cooler than ice tea. That's why they eat eat man food like Beef Jerky, it's the quintessential man food. Let me paint a picture. When I was in 9th grade I used to eat a bag of beef jerky, a chocolate milk, and a piece of pizza, everyday after school. In that year I more than quadrupled my number of chest hairs, grew like all my pubes, and starting getting boners lasting longer than 4 hours without the help of an ED pill. Those are pretty manly and I was 15. Imagine a 24 year old cowboy eating jerky, with beer, and beans, and you will see my point.

But no matter of terrible New Jersey 80's music will ever convince me that a steel cowboys really exists. In 2007, guys who ride Harley Davidson motorcycles are not the lovable Hell's Angel stereotype we've all grown to love. Hell's Angels used to kidnap little blond girls in the 60's, pretty baddass. Now a days the guys who can afford a Harley spend all day at a computer terminal with their tiny dicks, wondering what they can buy to get them through their midlife crisis. A Harley says man I wish I was a cowboy, to bad my wife only lets me ride it on Sunday after I pick the kids up from Vacation Bible School.

But I suppose here is why Harley Davidson's logic in endorsing beef jerky is sound.

Only being allowed to ride the motorcycle under the speed limit after Church, wont stop the tiny dick dude from buying the leather Harley jacket. You know the one with the huge Harley logo on the back, it never fits the guy right, makes him look like a bear. And nothing will stop them from buying the Harley seat blanket, fanny pack, water bottle, boots, gloves, sunglasses, helmet, and yes, probably now, the beef jerky.

I mean there are real bikers out there, scary guys with tattoos of the Tasmanian Devil stabbing Jesus Christ in the ass with the beak of a rigor mortis ridden Daffy Duck. But most the guys I see riding 2 wheel freedom mobiles do it under the speed limit, while wearing sleeves, and without a handle bar mustache. Beef Jerky is not the 2007 Harley mans food of choice. I mean he isn't going to starve in his 15 minute, 10 mile an hour, trek around the subdivision's cul-de-sac. More than likely he is on a no red meat diet, highlighted by vanilla flavored lipitor.

So all Harley Davidson, a company that markets an image that its customers will never live, has done. Is ruin the most manly food ever by making it yet another vehicle in which middle to high income, white collar American males, can try to make themselves feel like big dicked manly men by spending way to much money on a toy that they will never use as intended.

This whole rant makes perfect sense when you think about the guy who tells his wife he is going to the garage to get a replacement water filter, but instead sneak a piece of his Harley Davidson Beef Jerky instead. He opens up the tool box he has never used and his wife doesn't know he has, where he stashes his jerky. He reaches in and gets a tantalizing piece and pops it into his mouth. Leaning his head back with each tough and rough chew as a smirk comes on his face. This is what it feels like to be a man he thinks. Then he thinks he hears his wife coming an quickly spits the bite out and surreys away to search for a water filter.

Is that the fate you would want for your beef jerky? No more than a cock tease of manhood for a tamed suburbanite male? Instead of the glorious sustainence that saved the lives of many a stranded cowboy and their horse.

Boycott Harley Davidson Beef Jerky, you will be saving manliness in the process.


* NOTE * If you are reading this on TheFacebook.com the pictures may be F'd up.