Short Man Complex

We all know one or two of them, we may actually genuinely like them, but the fact remains. Most people with short man complex are uber deutsch bags.

You know those guys, no taller than 5'7, work out a ton, invasive good times personality, and always really tan. They generally wear popped polo collars and hit on anything that moves at the bar. Their main goal in life is to bag a taller woman to help supplant the lack of the height in their gene pool.

These dudes hit the ground running about the time the male body can start to put muscle on. They have been waiting their entire life to get big enough to kick the crap out of every larger kid that bullied them.

Unfortunately I got two words for them when it comes to a fight.

Circle jab.

Besides just putting your hand on their heads so they can't get close enough to hit you, you can always just circle one direction and light up their eye. Their cute little arms will never be long enough to hit you.

Anyhow fighting them is not the rant.

These guys bother me. No matter how tan your skin is, how large your biceps are, or how much of a good time you want people to think your having, you will never break 6 feet. But that's ok, they make rides for people your height as well.

See I can respect a shorter man than doesn't care how short he is. You know that 5'5 kid who weighs 120 on a good day and is oblivious to the fact that he is staring up at most peoples taints. See that guy is just a normal dude, he may be shorter than anyone you want you daughter to date, but fuck it, he'll find a short girl and everyone will think they are cute like bear cubs.

But those chotch's, the ones who have a Hollister card and gym pass, they need to go.

Take this guy we met this weekend. His head was shaped like a lizard, it was villainous, coupled with his short man stereotype and over all chotchiness it was offensive. He ruined my good time by constantly speaking to people who wanted to avoid his face. I was hoping he would pass out do to the lack of blood flow from his vein definingly tight shirt sleeves.

But he didn't.

See this dude was on, like always on, and it's a product of his short man complex. He feels he needs to overcompensate to make people like him because he doesn't sit at eye level. He literally was jumping up out of his seat to get in between people talking to dominate their conversation. I assumed from how much he worked out that he just clenched his ass cheeks together which made him hop up to eye level.

What ever the case it was like a little brother trying to get into the big brothers football game. At first you feel bad and want to include him, but by the end you tell your friends to hit him so hard he wont want to play anymore. He actually circled the whole table looking for someone to notice him.

If he would have just been a controlled contributing member of the group conversation, instead of a little invasive ball of muscle and lotion, he would have been fine. But because he's conditioned to feel inadequate because of his height, and possibly penis size (I didn't see how big his truck was), he bothered me enough to dedicate this blog to him.

So here's to short man, I hope they discover an exercise to build up the muscles on the bottom of your feet to increase your height. But until then go back Lillyput, drop the weights, avoid the skin cancer, and get out of my face when I am talking to my friends.

5 years Post 9/11: Good Thing Everythings Alright.

It is 11:20pm on the 5 year anniversary of 9/11 and those terrorist sons of bitches haven't done anything crazy like gluing quarters to the floor. I am not sure about you but I wasn't flying today.

I was hoping however for something really college prankish from Al Qaeda this time around. You know maybe paint the Lincoln Memorial, T.P. the White House, or sign the president up for an interview with an Army recruiter (Which by the way is the worse prank to ever have done to you, they will call you every month until your to old for duty).

But as it turns out no further terror was reined. Which makes me think perhaps that means we are winning the "war on terror"? Its been 5 years lets see where we are.

Do we have less terrorist activity? I would say yes, unless you count people blowing up Hummers in Iraq with homemade explosives terrorism. But no that is the insurgency, so ya we're good. And that failed terrorist attack in Heathrow airport in the UK has nothing to do with us.

Is America's economy recovering? Unless you live in Michigan you could say yes. Well aside from New Orleans, but that is from an unpreventable and totally unexpected natural disaster whose damage we could never have lessened. It is just bad timing that we diverted so much funding and attention to the war in Iraq. At least we have an assured victory there. Poor New Orleans and their unrepairable levies, that we had no idea were not up to snuff, had to just sit there and take it. Fortunately swift and heartfelt aid was provided by the government.

Are our civil liberties are as free as ever? Totally, we can still go about our business as American's without fear of being persecuted for unjust acts. The Patriot Act has ensured we are free to do what we as American's should rightfully and justly be allowed to do. God bless the Patriot act and the congress men that insightfully did not read the 300 plus pages so that it could be passed immediately.

Are we no longer worried about terrorist attacks on our homeland? Absolutely, the 2 hour strip search before any flight, along with the extra security along the border and in city subways is a good sign that we are safe inside of our own country. Why else are we able to wage a war on a different continent? We could hardly do that if we were concerned about our homeland security.

Which bring me to another point, we've chased those Al Qaeda sons of biches all the way to their base of operation Iraq. As Iraq has been the terrorist hub of the world over the past 20 years. In Iraq we are not only improving our foreign affairs, lower the price of gasoline, creating another successful democratic government, and destroying all of the weapons of mass destruction, but also demonstrating how military might always wins against Guerilla war tactics, as we learned during the Vietnam War.

So everything appears to be in good shape post 9/11.

Thank god for G.W. Bush and all the intelligent and capable people advising him through his terrific and Washington-esc presidential tenure.

Places People on Their Death Bed Frequent

Many of my friends have heard me rattle off the list of places I wont go because there is a good chance a person will die there. I am not talking about places where there is a high probability of injury, I am not a wuss er anything, I am talking about places where people who are about to die frequent.

An obvious example would be a hospital, there is a pretty good chance that if you go to a hostipal a few times somebody died while you were there.

Wal-Mart is also one of these places. How many times have I been to Wal-Mart? Three times, and all three I swear somebody was teetering on the brink. Wal-Mart is where people go to die together, a place where excess skin looking like yeast from rising bread is just as common as the low prices. An average Wal-Mart customer has several if not all of the following traits.

1. Old
2. An automated chair
3. A breathing apparatus
4. Fat
5. Most commonly trailer trash
6. Most commonly to poor to afford Medicare
7. Smokes a pack or more a day
8. Buys lottery tickets every day

You add a few of those up and you have a person with a high probability of Diabetis, Heart Disease, and Cancer, all while having no money to fix it. These people let themselves go long before they first entered the hollowed halls of Wal-Mart. They always travel with a pack of little bastard kids that are loud as fuck and have no respect for other people. These little side kicks are a form of hands for the people about to die. They use them to fill their carts with items they cannot reach, all while yelling at them to draw as much attention to themselves as possible. You can't die without somebody watching, that would defeat the point of frequenting these public places.

While Wal-Mart is king there are a few other places you have a good chance of seeing somebody die.

1. Old Country Buffet
Nothing spells death like an all day buffet 7 days a week. OCB may single handedly be responsible for America being the worlds fattest nation. The food glistens even more than the sweating faces of the restaurant's patrons.

2. Pharmacy
You can hardly be on your death bed without heading to the Pharm for your off brand meds. Don't forget to hit up the candy aisle before you pick up your trashy tabloids on the way out. If only they still sold cigarettes like they did in the 80's.

3. Secretary of State
I am not sure exactly why the secretary of state in a haven for the soon to be dearly departed. Without fail every time I go there it is stocked with unfortunate white trash 30 year olds pushing their fatally inclined mother/father figure, all while complaining loudly of the line.

4. Saves Alot
Like Wal-Mart only without all the consumer goods. Saves Alot doesn't sell vegetables unless they come in a frozen bag. The perfect grocery store for anyone attempting to put on that last 50 lbs to have their own too fat to leave the house without a crane special on TV.

They are more, but not many. See people who are about to die don't get out much, so when they do they want to make sure they head to places where they are ensured people of similar life expectancy. In a way these destinations are like modern day leper colonies, filled solely with people whose problems couldn't possibly effect the others around them, because those people are already just as fucking screwed.

What Happened to the Sawed Off Shotgun.....The Baddass Awards.

Raise your hand if you miss sawed off shotguns. Remember how they were so the craze in 90's action movies? Sawed off's, or shottie's as they are known in drug running circles, take a simple mode of asskickery, like shooting someone in the face with a shotgun, and make it even more diesel. By chopping the barrel off to create a stub nose shotgun you make the gun as follows.

1. Look tough as hell
2. Look like it's been used alot
3. Shoot fire following the blast out of the barrel (at least in the movies I've seen)
4. More concealable for sneaking past security
5. Pistol whip capable, rather than that pussy hit them with the butt of the gun crap.

See in the 90's the sawed off was the weapon of choice of every good biker gang thug, post apocalyptic baddass, cyborg, cowboy with a bad attitude, ex-cop trying to find his partners killer, or the original Ghost Rider Johnny Blaze. Now while half of those previously listed are a tad gayish, the other half are baddasses to the max. And the main reason they are baddass? The sawed off man!

Here is a list of pansies that would really up their testosterone count with a sawed off shotgun by their side.

1. John Tesh
While the music rocks, his blonde locks do not. But add a sawed off shotgun and suddenly he could roll in badass circles. They may not understand Tesh's new age contemporary Christian music, but combine a Sawed off with that Eagle Scout he is touting, plus the fact that I swear he must be at least 7 foot 8 inches tall, and that dude could kill a pack of wild circus midgets no prob.



2. David Hasselhoff
Davy Boy has millions of psycho German's with Nazi Lineage just waiting for him to lead them. You put one shotgun in his hand and I guarantee he'll grow the pair they all have been waiting for. I mean German's love death metal, creative sex, terrible acts of war, beer, and the dude from Baywatch. I figure you give him a sawed off and the rest of those German loves will just follow his lead. I can see Hassellhoff leading the Germans over a flaming pile of their enemies corpses like the Terminator in T2 during the future scene. The Hoff being all shiny and sweaty with his shottie over his head as he stands on a skull. Epic.




3. Martha Stewart
Martha has taken alot of shit lately. Jail, being called out by Trump for taking the apprentice series and dropping it in the shitter, not to mention losing the cell interior design competition in the slammer. This woman's rage could all be funneled through a mighty sawed off boomstick of justice. All those late night monologues portraying her as the devil could easily come to fruition as she goes postal on the talk show circuit.

In a moment true to my generation, an ADD moment, I will completely change this post and move in another direction. This list has me thinking that there should be a whole award show dedicated to baddasses in all fields.

The award would be a sawed off shotgun, molded in beef jerky, then set in copper, and finally mounted on a dear skull. You could have the award for biggest baddass in many categories, Ted Nugent should host it.

Politics: Dick Cheney
The evil emperor of America shot a man with a rifle just in time to edge out Alaskan Ted Stevens as the most badass politician. I am not a Republican, but those red state guys sure are pissed off. If this was 1804 it would go to Aaron Burr for shooting rival Alexander Hamilton dead, but alas it is not. Though visions of a Burr vs. Cheney duel sends shivers down my spine. Of course if he hadn't already served his terms I would've voted for Hollywood Bill in any political vote, including this one.

Sports: Aaron Durley
The 6'8 256 lb 13 year old from Saudi Arabia played in the little league world series. That kid is playing the wrong sport, but never mind that. He deserves the baddass award for being the first person able to kill every other person on the same playing field, both teams, single handedly. This giant kid could throw little leaguers around like a pissed off gorrilla in a cage full of Gilbert Godfried clones. Aaron Durley is big enough to kick the ass of most grown men.

This photo is in no way doctored, that kid to your right is really that big and 13 years old.








Television Personality: James Cramer
The host of Mad Money uses machine gun noises to let you know how excited he is about stock. His face gets so red and full of blood that you can see his heart beat in is cheeks. I actually think Jim Cramer could kill Bill O'Reiley and Tucker Carlson with one hand, run the stock market with the other, and use his lower half to have sex with Barbara Walters all at the same time. Booyaaaa Jim!

Literature: Maddox
The author of The Alphabet of Manliness is pretty much the poster boy for an over the top manittude. Maddox puts BBQ sauce on popsicles he's so tough. There are some pretty baddass books about there, but this award is for the author, not the book. Otherwise some weapons manual author might win. Maddox dresses like a pirate, kicks kids, uses his boner to stab his enemies.





Music: Glen Danzig
One of Danzig's logos is a demon strangling the lord Jesus Christ while blood comes out of Jesus's eyes. Danzig's is one of the pioneers of horror rock and founded the band the Misfits. He appeared on Aqua Teen Hunger Force and can be quoted as saying "listen to me as hard as you fucking can" which is pretty baddass. I am sure you can make arguments here for Henry Rollins, Andrew WK, Pantera, and a buncha other guys, but Glen Danzig would eat a bloody fetus alone in a dark closet every night just to make sure he goes to hell. He is terrifying and that is baddass.

Comic Character: Wolverine
It is obvious, unoriginal, and redundant to the point of boring, but there is no more baddass comic character than Wolverine. He is baddass for a reason most are not. He gets the shit kicked out of him like no body else. He runs into a fight, get turned into a bloody rag, regenerates, and comes back to do it again. He repeats that pattern until he finally uses his three clawed hands to puncture your throat and end you life. regeneration combined with unbreakable bones and claws is the perfect formula for a baddass.





Movie Actor: Danny Trejo
First off this guy was a lightweight and welterweight prison boxing champ. Your never more baddass than when your the best fighter in prison. Danny Trejo is the huge tattooed Mexican in every movie with a huge tattooed Mexican. He's died a ton in all his movies and I didn't believe it once, there is no way this guy dies under any circumstances. In fact he is such a baddass he has been recast in the sequels to movies in which his character died. They just wanted him so bad that they gave him a new role and said fuck continuity. Anybody more important than continuity in Hollywood is baddass.



Agriculture: Leon Peter Clark II
Farmers are tough as hell and my dad might be the poster boy. First of all he returned a bed because it was to comfortable, it prevented him from limiting his sleeping schedule to the 4 hours of eyes open rest a night he is used to. I think he sleeps with a screw diver under his pillow just waiting. He also had an entire building he was standing on crumble from a crane boom collapsing on it. Only the beam and the scrap metal slab he was using for a working ledge was left standing. Lastly is the fact that he beat a stroke into submission at the age of 37 and is still scary as all shit at 52. My dad could kill me on his death bed, strangling me with his breathing tubes no doubt grinding his dirt encrusted palms into my eyes.

Where Labor Day Ranks

Labor Day, what the hell is that? I mean we have a ton of holidays in this America of ours. Christmas, Thanks Giving, Presidents Day, Memorial Day, The Super Bowl, Valentines Day, St. Patrick's Day, Independence Day, New Years Eve, and Easter to name a few.

So where does Labor Day rank? Probably fucking last to be honest. I mean since when in the last 15 years have American's really given a damn about the people Labor Day was created for? You know blue collar folk.

No I don't mean the people you see on the Country Music Channel, I mean coal miners, farmers, assembly line workers, people who can't spell the names off all the things they can't buy with all the money they aren't earning.

That is not a rip by the way, as many of you know my dad is a farmer and does quite well, but he definitely doesn't know what the hell the internet is, nor can he spell it. The point is he doesn't care.

So in this modern America we need to list our holidays based on how American they really are. Here is the list of where these Holidays land.

1. CHRISTMAS
Christmas is so much the boner of the holiday bunch that even Jews are getting in the act. You get free shit from people, eat terrific food, see family members you haven't seen all year, and tell funny family stories. Christmas lets Americans do the one thing that we do best, spend alot of money on a buncha shit to show how wealthy we are.

2. SUPER BOWL
WHAT EVER. I don't care if this isn't an actually holiday. The Super Bowl is America. God Damn Air Force Jets flying overhead, more fireworks than lesbian mud wrestling, Beer, Babes, Hank Williams Jr, and men hitting men. If it was guaranteed to be a good game every year it would be number 1. GO LIONS

3. PRESIDENTS DAY
I know what your saying, Curtis are you stupid we don't even get work off on Presidents Day and when the Hell is it. Well no I am not stupid you are, and if you can't call in sick to celebrate the most American thing there is then you suck. Presidents day is the third Monday in February and it rocks for one simple reason. America has the oldest government in the world and is the template most new governments are based of off. We had Washington, Lincoln, and alot of other badass's as our President. We may not like the one we have, but the fact is the American President is the most powerful man in the world. How American is it to be powerful? the most American that's how American.

4. THANKSGIVING
The reason Thanksgiving makes this list of where it ranks in American-ness is not why you would think. I mean yes we all picture the Turkey diner, the fam sitting and laughing, the corn, the listing of things we are thankful for. But why it is American is simple, right after we sat and ate with the Indians on the first Thanksgiving we promptly started killing them for the next 200 years. Thanksgiving is the first documented time that Americans started a true American tradition, making friends with people and then killing them and taking their assets. Now that's as American as Apple Pie.

5. INDEPENDENCE DAY
Somewhere in every American is an undying urge to stick it to the English. We smoked them out of the New World to earn our Independence and they have been licking their wounds since. I mean think about WWII, we let the Nazi's beat the shit out of them for a few years before we swooped in and saved the day. You think Roosevelt didn't plan that shit, he just wanted to add to the list of things we do better than them. So what is Independence Day really to Americans? It is a reminder of how much better we are than the British. Get Fucked and get Dental you limey pricks.

6. MEMORIAL DAY
We have had alot of people die in war for this country and it is to distastefuly for me to joke about that. Memorial Day is a great holiday and truely American. I wont kid about it. We pay homage to all the people who sacrifice their lives to give people like me the opportunity to sit here in my spare time and write a little insignificant blog poking fun at America loving America.

8. FLAG DAY
Fly it proud folks, the Red, White, and Blue is the most hated and loved flag in the world. If you don't have a flag, a mini flag, a flag shirt, and a flag bumper sticker then your a communist. Flag Day is when we let the rest of the world know who the hell we are.

7. LABOR DAY
No it isn't last. Labor Day weekend is the drunkest weekend of the year and that's pretty American. College Football starts, Baseball games are played, Budweiser makes bank, and the summer closes out in a bang. Labor Day its self isn't that great, no one really celebrates the working class but the working class, but any three day weekend is pretty cool by American standards.

8. St. PATRICK'S DAY
Now St. Patty's is a celebration of when Saint Patrick purged the Emerald Isles of all snakes back in the day. That is a load of bullshit and we Americans know it. St. Patrick's Day is really the day during the year when we all get drunks like Irishmen and dress up like Leprechauns. Its like one big joke about how many Irish men are alcoholics and how fun it is to mock them. As Americans it is our duty to point out and mock as many strange customs that other countries have as possible.

9. Three Way Tie Between EASTER, VALENTINES DAY, and NEW YEARS EVE
These holidays suck, Valentines Day is a day of everything pink and to many assholes thinking it is romantic to propose on Valentines Day. Get a clue chotch, the girl wants you put some thought into it, not pick the most obvious date in a calendar year. I am not sure what Easter even is, I stopped caring. Easter is the one holiday you can miss and no one cares. I think it is supposed to be the day Jesus took his body with him to heaven. Ya I am going to believe that the guy whose mom didn't have sex to have him took what was left of his body after it the Jews in the Passions of the Christ got done with him back to Heaven with him. First of all would want their physical body in Heaven when no one else has one? I mean your not gonna have sex using it in Heaven. I can imagine how that conversation goes.

Jesus - "Ya so this is what I looked like back on earth, I mean minus the broken shit and all that blood, I was kind of a big thing. You know I am the only one up here that has one of these."

Hot Girl Ghost - "...."

Jesus - "So did I mention my dad owns this place?"

Hot Girl Ghost walks away.

As for New Years sure we all get drunk which I mentioned above is pretty American, but that's it. I mean we make a promise we never keep in the form of a resolution and then the next day happens. Every country has New Years and every country does it the same.

That's it then, if I forgot a holiday then it doesn't matter.