What Happened to the Sawed Off Shotgun.....The Baddass Awards.

Raise your hand if you miss sawed off shotguns. Remember how they were so the craze in 90's action movies? Sawed off's, or shottie's as they are known in drug running circles, take a simple mode of asskickery, like shooting someone in the face with a shotgun, and make it even more diesel. By chopping the barrel off to create a stub nose shotgun you make the gun as follows.

1. Look tough as hell
2. Look like it's been used alot
3. Shoot fire following the blast out of the barrel (at least in the movies I've seen)
4. More concealable for sneaking past security
5. Pistol whip capable, rather than that pussy hit them with the butt of the gun crap.

See in the 90's the sawed off was the weapon of choice of every good biker gang thug, post apocalyptic baddass, cyborg, cowboy with a bad attitude, ex-cop trying to find his partners killer, or the original Ghost Rider Johnny Blaze. Now while half of those previously listed are a tad gayish, the other half are baddasses to the max. And the main reason they are baddass? The sawed off man!

Here is a list of pansies that would really up their testosterone count with a sawed off shotgun by their side.

1. John Tesh
While the music rocks, his blonde locks do not. But add a sawed off shotgun and suddenly he could roll in badass circles. They may not understand Tesh's new age contemporary Christian music, but combine a Sawed off with that Eagle Scout he is touting, plus the fact that I swear he must be at least 7 foot 8 inches tall, and that dude could kill a pack of wild circus midgets no prob.



2. David Hasselhoff
Davy Boy has millions of psycho German's with Nazi Lineage just waiting for him to lead them. You put one shotgun in his hand and I guarantee he'll grow the pair they all have been waiting for. I mean German's love death metal, creative sex, terrible acts of war, beer, and the dude from Baywatch. I figure you give him a sawed off and the rest of those German loves will just follow his lead. I can see Hassellhoff leading the Germans over a flaming pile of their enemies corpses like the Terminator in T2 during the future scene. The Hoff being all shiny and sweaty with his shottie over his head as he stands on a skull. Epic.




3. Martha Stewart
Martha has taken alot of shit lately. Jail, being called out by Trump for taking the apprentice series and dropping it in the shitter, not to mention losing the cell interior design competition in the slammer. This woman's rage could all be funneled through a mighty sawed off boomstick of justice. All those late night monologues portraying her as the devil could easily come to fruition as she goes postal on the talk show circuit.

In a moment true to my generation, an ADD moment, I will completely change this post and move in another direction. This list has me thinking that there should be a whole award show dedicated to baddasses in all fields.

The award would be a sawed off shotgun, molded in beef jerky, then set in copper, and finally mounted on a dear skull. You could have the award for biggest baddass in many categories, Ted Nugent should host it.

Politics: Dick Cheney
The evil emperor of America shot a man with a rifle just in time to edge out Alaskan Ted Stevens as the most badass politician. I am not a Republican, but those red state guys sure are pissed off. If this was 1804 it would go to Aaron Burr for shooting rival Alexander Hamilton dead, but alas it is not. Though visions of a Burr vs. Cheney duel sends shivers down my spine. Of course if he hadn't already served his terms I would've voted for Hollywood Bill in any political vote, including this one.

Sports: Aaron Durley
The 6'8 256 lb 13 year old from Saudi Arabia played in the little league world series. That kid is playing the wrong sport, but never mind that. He deserves the baddass award for being the first person able to kill every other person on the same playing field, both teams, single handedly. This giant kid could throw little leaguers around like a pissed off gorrilla in a cage full of Gilbert Godfried clones. Aaron Durley is big enough to kick the ass of most grown men.

This photo is in no way doctored, that kid to your right is really that big and 13 years old.








Television Personality: James Cramer
The host of Mad Money uses machine gun noises to let you know how excited he is about stock. His face gets so red and full of blood that you can see his heart beat in is cheeks. I actually think Jim Cramer could kill Bill O'Reiley and Tucker Carlson with one hand, run the stock market with the other, and use his lower half to have sex with Barbara Walters all at the same time. Booyaaaa Jim!

Literature: Maddox
The author of The Alphabet of Manliness is pretty much the poster boy for an over the top manittude. Maddox puts BBQ sauce on popsicles he's so tough. There are some pretty baddass books about there, but this award is for the author, not the book. Otherwise some weapons manual author might win. Maddox dresses like a pirate, kicks kids, uses his boner to stab his enemies.





Music: Glen Danzig
One of Danzig's logos is a demon strangling the lord Jesus Christ while blood comes out of Jesus's eyes. Danzig's is one of the pioneers of horror rock and founded the band the Misfits. He appeared on Aqua Teen Hunger Force and can be quoted as saying "listen to me as hard as you fucking can" which is pretty baddass. I am sure you can make arguments here for Henry Rollins, Andrew WK, Pantera, and a buncha other guys, but Glen Danzig would eat a bloody fetus alone in a dark closet every night just to make sure he goes to hell. He is terrifying and that is baddass.

Comic Character: Wolverine
It is obvious, unoriginal, and redundant to the point of boring, but there is no more baddass comic character than Wolverine. He is baddass for a reason most are not. He gets the shit kicked out of him like no body else. He runs into a fight, get turned into a bloody rag, regenerates, and comes back to do it again. He repeats that pattern until he finally uses his three clawed hands to puncture your throat and end you life. regeneration combined with unbreakable bones and claws is the perfect formula for a baddass.





Movie Actor: Danny Trejo
First off this guy was a lightweight and welterweight prison boxing champ. Your never more baddass than when your the best fighter in prison. Danny Trejo is the huge tattooed Mexican in every movie with a huge tattooed Mexican. He's died a ton in all his movies and I didn't believe it once, there is no way this guy dies under any circumstances. In fact he is such a baddass he has been recast in the sequels to movies in which his character died. They just wanted him so bad that they gave him a new role and said fuck continuity. Anybody more important than continuity in Hollywood is baddass.



Agriculture: Leon Peter Clark II
Farmers are tough as hell and my dad might be the poster boy. First of all he returned a bed because it was to comfortable, it prevented him from limiting his sleeping schedule to the 4 hours of eyes open rest a night he is used to. I think he sleeps with a screw diver under his pillow just waiting. He also had an entire building he was standing on crumble from a crane boom collapsing on it. Only the beam and the scrap metal slab he was using for a working ledge was left standing. Lastly is the fact that he beat a stroke into submission at the age of 37 and is still scary as all shit at 52. My dad could kill me on his death bed, strangling me with his breathing tubes no doubt grinding his dirt encrusted palms into my eyes.