Straight to DVD

I thought of the next awesome reality TV show. On the heels of the "lets take a washed up celebrity, pay them nothing, and put their personal lives on TV" movement, comes the next great house full of assholes. This will be chalked full of hyper links, some relevant, some that I just wanted to add.

Straight to DVD
The Girls Gone Wild of washed up action stars who live off their straight to DVD releases.

What does straight to DVD have to offer? Why the greatest actions stars of the late 80's early 90's that's what. Here's how it goes. Instead of stupid real world road rules events, these guys fight to death in a winner takes all tournament all while having to open a ice cream shop together. Each week a new guys has to undertake keeping the ice cream shop in the black while putting his foe 6 feet under. The winner gets to endorse the years new Bow Flex model, keep the ice cream shop, and have the satisfaction of knowing that they could've kicked the shit out their box office foes all along.

I know what you are thinking.... Roster Please

Jean-Claude Van Damme (Muscles from Brussels is the poster child for this show)
Steven Seagal (More great Seagal cartoons, give it a minute to get good.)
Mr. T (A Team, Rocky III, the Alphabet, Lymphoma)
Dolph Lundgren (He needs his own cologne, simply called "Dolph")
Welsey Snipes (Now a Days the only thing this guy is dodging is the IRS)
Don "the Dragon" Wilson (The only real fighter in the mix, it's a shame he made the worse films)
Marc Singer (Bag full of ferrets is his ace in the hole)
Christopher Lambert (Doesn't age, changes accents, can use a sword, can you say dark horse)

There will be a clamor from a bunch of retards about Arnold, Sly, Chuck Norris, Mel Gibson, and Bruce Willis, but those guys still make money doing stuff other than straight to DVD movies. The list above are the guys who would crawl over the others dead body to have a career again.

Match 1

Van Damn vs Mark Singer
Marc Singer looks to be in pretty good shape now a days judging from his IMDB photos, though a little Mark Hamillish for my taste. Unfortunately for him Van Damme has a thirst for blood and women that can only be quenched by resurrecting his career. Van Damme still wears leather pants and hits on everything that moves. The only thing that slows him down is his urge to dance (the little girls freak out in the background, at the end he gets a boner). Chances are no matter how many animals Singer throws his way Van Damme will super splits kick them to death on his way to victory. Goes like this. Singer tosses bag of ferrets at Van Damme. Van Damme kicks them out of the air and they explode in the process. Singer gets enraged and charges JCVD. Van Damme split punches Singer in the balls, claps both hands on his ears, and screams the Van Damme scream. Game, set, match... which sounds like a future straight to DVD title if Van Damme keeps the momentum going.

Match 2
Steven Seagal vs Dragon Wilson
Look in real life Don "The Dragon" Wilson would kill Steven Seagal, but for that matter so would I. Seagal is a bloated ego megalomaniac that doesn't spend much time on this continent because he's such a joke. Don Wilson is a bad ass, dude is considered the greatest kick boxer who ever lived. He's had every major belt and still beats ass at 53. But what he didn't know is that week 2's fight was staged in a pool hall. Anyone who has ever scene a Seagal movie knows what's going to happen. Seagal downs his new signature drink and then Wilson kicks the shit out of Seagal and his gay ass akido fighting style until Seagal grabs a pool stick. Wilson goes for the ax kick and it breaks the pool stick in half. It's time for yet another Steven Seagal sticks fight scene. Seagal goes all Out For Justice (skip to the 3 minute part) on Wilson, ending it with the awesome pool ball twisted in a bandanna move that was actually pretty fucking sweet. He knocks "the dragon's" teeth out and then stabs a pool stick half through his mouth and out his head. After the win Seagal does some bull shit poetry before having to get the fuck out of their to avoid a gay bashing at the hands of the bikers who frequent the place.

Match 3
Mr. T Vs Wesley Snipes
Of course the producers of this show will make the two black dudes fight in round one. Snipes loves martial arts and because of that has become a joke. Mr. T is an anomaly, guy did breakfast cereal ads, Cartoons, The A Team, movies, and now World of War Craft commercials. He has kind of a cult popularity, not unlike Chuck Norris. Unfortunately he also has cancer and wears more gold jewelry than a New York Jew. Mr. T makes one To Wong Fu joke and snipes goes ape shit. Snipes chokes Mr. T out with his own gold chair and then says "Who you pitying now?...fool" After he's done wooping T's ass he calls out Ryan Reynolds for stealing the spotlight in Blade Trinity.

Match 4
Dolph Lundgren Vs Christopher Lambert
Neither of these guys really lit it up at the box office, they were both pretty much straight to VHS guys back in the days. Lambert thought he had pulled a fast one when he convinced the producers to make it a sword fight. He flashes some Highlander sword techniques during the fight introductions to intimidate Lundgren. Just after the bell rings Lambert realizes what a catastrophic mistake he's made. Lundgren hold his sword above his head and screams "I have the Power!" The Castle Grayskull pops up out of the ground, Lungren's clothes fly off to reveal just a loin cloth, and he starts to glow. Lambert pisses himself and wishes he could remember his terrible lines from Mortal Combat to try and channel his innner Raiden. Before Lambert can say HiaBobalia Dolph is cleaning the blood off of his sword and getting back into his universal solider cooling chamber to recharge. Victory.

Quickly we are down to Van Damme, Seagal, Snipes, and Lundgren. Number 1 seed Van Damme can already imagine all the pussy he is going to get from winning this epic struggle. Seagal is contemplating if he can still be cast as either Asian or Native American now that he's pushing 3 bills. Wesley Snipes wishes Woody Harrelson would agree to "White Men Can't Jump II; Back to the Asphalt" so he can pay his fucking bills. And Dolph Lundgren just keeps repeating "I Must Break You" in hopes of being asked to do another I love the 80's VH1 clip show.

Semi Final Fight 1
Jean Claude Van Damme Vs Dolph Lundgren
Van Damme and Lundgren worked together on Universal Soldier. JCVD knows Lundgren's weakness is wood chippers. Lundgren knows Van Damme can't resist dancing and girls in spandex. After some prefight mocking the fight starts and immediately turns to pure chaos. Van Damme arranges the fight to be held at a lawn and garden expo. Lundgren get's the girls from the Rump Shaker video to show up and dance to C and C Music Factory's "Everybody Dance Now." The crowd of middle class white trash is confused to see the guy from Bloodsport grinding 40 year old black women on a mound of mulch while Ivan Drago curls up into a ball and weeps as the noise of a wood chipper grows louder and louder. After the Rump Shaker dancers get tired of dealing with Van Damme's boner he stop dancing just in time to see some semi truck driver come in wielding a shotgun. The guy comes after JCVD and wood chip covered Dolph screaming to put a stop to this"This filthy unchristian fagot shit." Van Damme scurries out of there just in time, crab walking with his hips tilted down because of his boner. Lundgren was not so lucky, they used his body as kindling to start a good ol fashion Harry Potter book burning.

Semi Final Fight 2
Steven Seagal Vs Wesley Snipes
Snipes wanted to go all Demolition man on Seagal's career, but physical neglect and "spirituality" already did that. That means Willy Mayz Haze is overly confident. Seagal gets off the phone with the Dali Lama and agrees with Snipes that the best place to have this contest would be in a dojo with a full weapon rack. Snipes is in love with Kung Fu and Seagal used to know how to throw around much smaller Japanese guys, but both love weapons. Snipes loves the katana, Seagal the Ax, he rocks the ax (better vid). The fights starts 45 minutes after Seagal sqeezes into his XXXL Karate unitard and just after Snipes show up after posting bail. Swords clash and for 37 solid seconds the fight brought back reminders of the glory days. On the 38th second Seagal's heart exploded or at least that's what Wesley Snipes thought. In fact at that moment Steven Seagal became enlightened and reached a higher level of consciousness. All of his bullshit spirituality, his retarded rhetoric, the way he dresses, all of the things a comedic empire has been built upon, they finally got theirs. Seagal had been waiting his whole life for this moment. His hair broke from its pony tail holder to fly wild in the fans set up to create "air" in an indoor fight. His arms raised above his head for the first time since he broke 3 bills and he screamed out to the heavens "This is what awesome feels like" (A real quote from his autobiography Still Kicking that I stole from Brian Staffords Facebook page) as he floats into the air. Snipes doesn't know what to do, first the man came calling, now the "MAN" has come calling. Seagal floats down to the floor and waits for Snipes to attack, because that's how stupid Akido is. Snipes looks Seagal in the eyes and says "Do I look ready?" Seagal looks him head to toe and responds in an quite enlightened tone "There's only one way to find out." Snipes tries a punch but Seagal deflects it and drives his fingers into Snipes side, ripping his kidneys out. As Snipes body falls limp to the ground Seagal tosses the kidneys to his agents "Find out what we can get on the black market for these. I promised the band I pay for gas this time around and I spent my last few bucks at Carl's Jr."

Final
Jean Claude Van Damme Vs Steven Seagal
The dream match up. 20 years ago it would have been the attractive almost American hero vs the lanky Asian/Indian environmental rights activist/Detective. We may have cared then, now we just want one of them to die. They fight on a ring floating in the middle of a soon be erupting volcano. Van Damme has spent the time between his last fight and this one practicing like a classic 80's montage. He's now able to kick through trees and do the splits with his feet resting on running ban saws. Seagal's ego has caught up with his new divine understanding to see him fashion himself as a demigod. Seagal starts shooting uzi's with lighting bolt bullets at Van Damme who uses Guile sonic booms to meet the bullets in mid air. Van Damme counters by making a double impact clone of himself and coming at Seagal from both sides. Seagal grabs his sitar and plays excruciating music that shatters the JCVD clone to pieces. Van Damme recovers to land a series of Van Damme splits kicks into the side of Seagal's bulbous head. Seagal staggers and instinctively searchs desperately for a pool cue or environmental issue to hide behind. None are to be found. Van Damme stalks Seagal to the edge of the Volcano and asks "How does it feel to be hunted?" Seagal stops and in a moment of clarity begins to beat box a bad techno beat. Van Damme's legs involuntarily begin to dance. Seagal raises from one knee, still beat boxing while tossing in a few lasers noises for good measure. Van Damme looks like a marionette, he cannot control he legs, he has to dance. He so enjoys Seagal's techno beat that an erection forms in his tight tight pants. Seagal rears back and begins to pummel JCVD back towards the other edge of the volcano. Just as Van Damme is about to fall into the lava he reaches back and grabs Seagal's hair. Seagal has refused to cut his hair since it allows his to be cast in multiple ethnicity which he will use to his advantage after resurrecting his career. They have reached a stalemate, Seagal's sheer weight will not allow them to topple into the lava and JCVD's super masturbator grip cannot be broken. Seagal taunts JCVD by saying "You've were always a B Rate talent Jean-Claude." Van Damme is furious "You're a joke to fat ass, you couldn't even pull off an 80's training montage in any of your films." Seagal can't stand the accusation, he whips JCVD back into the ring by his hair. Van Damme lands with a thud, but tumbles to his feet. A lock of Seagal's hair is wrapped around his hand and covered with blood from Seagal's scalp. Van Damme wraps the hair tight to his fist and charges Seagal. Seagal Akido tosses Van Damme, using his own momentum to send him over the edge to his death. Seagal raises his arms triumphantly. "I want a producer out here immediately to start works on my newest Enviro action film Solar Power. The true story of me, Steven Seagal, a sun powered justice machine who cannot be stopped on his way to enlightenment." During Seagal's rant JCVD appears out of no where clicking a button on his Time Cop watch. He had teleported just before his fall into the lava. In the distance the ghost of Bruce Lee comes walking over the mountain ridge with a stereo over his head like John Cusack in "Say Anything." C and C Music factory begins to play and Van Damme's urge to dance begins to overcome him again. Bruce Lee looks JCVD in the eyes and says "It is time." Van Damme begins to be able to control his urge as the boner in his pants begins to grow. Seagal seethes anger at Bruce Lee. "Lee!" he shouts. Seagal slowly turns as JCVD charges him with a ranging boner. Van Damme does the Guile flash kick into Seagal and stabs him under the chin up into his brain with his hard on. Van Damme screams the Van Damme scream and Seagal perishes under the might of Van Damme's focused creepy sexual energy. Van Damme bows to Bruce Lee's ghost who winks at JCVD. Van Damme's eyes widen from fear, realizing Bruce Lee wants them all dead so he can keep the crown of greatest action star of all time. Just then the volcano erupts. JCVD is burned to death by gallons of molten lava, the last part of him to melt away his tiny boner. Bruce Lee's ghost rides down the mountain on a rock slab sitting indian style wearing 70's style aviators and sweating like mad. He looks into the camera and says "It's like Water Man."

Wolverine Vs Predator still.....

I was reminded today of two things.

The first is of the most ridiculous and lopsided fight ever thought of. The second is that I'm a huge dork.

Back in high school (yes my high school memories are not of my legendary football moments, but rather of arguments I got about who would win a fight between two random fantasy characters) there was this stupid debate at our table over who would win a fight.

Wolverine

or

The Predator

I know what you are thinking, but Curtis that's a laugh, everyone knows that Wolverine would skull fuck the Predator in a fight. Yes well as it turns out not every one. Zack Heaton, my best friend at this time, was a green techno music dork who definetly wandered into the wrong nerd waters. He took the Predators side and preceded to take shit for the next 5 years about it.

Before I get into this stupid argument I'll tell you why it came up. My friend Ashely called me today to ask me if Wolverine would need a weight belt to go scuba diving...... she is a woman... called me of her own accord.... no money was put up to do this.

So we debated the bone density of his adamantium skeleton and the total weight he of his body in comparison to his height, along with scenes in comics I have seen of him swimming. The conclusion, he sinks fast. It's a few minutes I want back, because if I am going to debate what a fantasy character can do, it's not going to be if he sinks or swims. It's gonna be who's ass he can kick.

Predator vs Wolverine.....

Wolverine has beaten in a one on one fight--off the top of my head-- Cable, Sabertooth, Omega Red, a legion of brood aliens, Bishop, Cyclops, Lobo (DC Marvel cross over... lame), Cap'n America, Iron Man, and fought The Hulk to a draw twice. He has killed countless hordes of baddies that you only see half a bloody body of as he makes his way into another picture panel smoking a cigar. He has survived innumerable amounts of explosions, poison, guns shots, stabs, burns, and broken hearts.... Damn you red....

That means, eye lasers, plasma guns, energy absorption, regeneration, super strength, robotic suits of armor, black anger, and freedom can't beat him.

The Predator has guns, a disk shooter, mandibles, green blood, dreadlocks, and the ability to blow himself up...rad.

Wolverine pretty much can't be killed, has unbreakable bones and claws, can smell blood from miles away, has more body hair than my dad, better one liners than Arnold, fought in WW2, was trained as a samurai, and has a mind full of crazy memories that even professor X wont go near. Plus he is all over those button up shirts at Hot topic that dorks wear to weddings.

It goes like this.

1. Predator turns invisible and climbs a tree. Wolverine lights up a cigar and drinks a beer.
2. Predator sneaks around with his crazy vision and takes a pop shot and Wolverine. Wolverine drops his beer from the laser charring all the flesh off of his hand.
3. Predator fires a bunch more hokey disks and lasers at Wolverine who take as many as he needs to the chest to sober himself up.
4. Wolverine regenerates behind a tree peeling off the rest of the flannel he didn't want to be wearing in the first place. The predator moves in to finish the job.
5. Wolverine smells where the predator is because he is a dirty alien. What follows happens to all the C villians marvel wants to kill off but make it memorable, they let their money machine Wolverine do it.
6. The Predator pulls out his gay Darth Maul wanna be staff and starts to try and beat Wolverine down. Wolverine cuts it in half while saying "bad move bub".
7. The Predator's shoulder cannon shoots wolverine in the face. Wolverine takes it so he can get closer to the Predator.
8. Wolverine uses the eye he has left to size up the Predator and stabs him in the neck.
9. The Predator screams that pussy scream they gave him and runs to the nearest Wendy's bathroom to ground up porcelain in his melting dish and cauterize the wound.
10. Wolverine stalks him to the bathroom with all his flesh back and more hair growth in those regions than any Italian could ever muster in that time.
11. Wolverine kicks open the door and castrates the Predator in the Wendy's bathroom. The predator lays on his back and says "fuck you" in his mandible garble.
12. As the stupid alien clock on his arm winds down Wolverine goes out and orders a frosty. Nothing is better for a hang over than a frosty. He takes one bite when the whole building blows up.
13. Wolverine walks out of the ruble with no clothes and a ton of burn marks. His dick, the first thing to regenerate, is already bigger than the Predators was erect.

While that is being generous to the Predator, because Wolverine was drunk at the start of the fight, there is an easier solution. That solution is the two word answer to why the Predator can never beat Wolverine in a fight no matter how drunk he wants to be when it starts.

Danny Glover

Harley Davidson Beef Jerky

Here's a phrase I was happy to never say in my life, "Harley Davidson Beef Jerky". Man I thought I was gonna make it, but 25 years in, pow! They fucking made their own beef jerky. I mean I get it, when the cowboys crossed the prairies of the Wild Wild West they needs some serious salted beef to make it through the harsh heat. The steel cowboys of the Bon Jovi era need salted beef too, how else can they blaze on the cement trail of modern America? Well by chomping down on a little stick of heart attack endorsed by their favorite brand of motorcycle, that's how.

Here's the issue, how did this happen? If I am in an exec meeting at Harley and my boss says "Hey anyone got any good idea's before we get out of here and go ride our hogs into the sunset like we do every Tuesday?" Do I really raise my hand and actually say "Harley Davidson Brand Beef Jerky" without laughing like I just snorted a ground up payday mixed with clean cut Columbia south grade coke? Probably not, I probably keep my hand down because that idea sounds fucking stupid. And also I keep it down because no matter how much clean cut Columbian south grade coke I mix with it, the payday, even snorted, will still render me motionless, as it is the most satisfying of all candy bars.

But back to that Wild West metaphor for a sec. Cowboys are fucking baddass. I mean like kill everybody in the bar, then drink a bottle of whiskey, and before you exit, break it on a guys head on the way out. You don't fuck with a cowboy, anyone who can break the will of a wild stallion and not break their pelvic bone at the same time, is cooler than ice tea. That's why they eat eat man food like Beef Jerky, it's the quintessential man food. Let me paint a picture. When I was in 9th grade I used to eat a bag of beef jerky, a chocolate milk, and a piece of pizza, everyday after school. In that year I more than quadrupled my number of chest hairs, grew like all my pubes, and starting getting boners lasting longer than 4 hours without the help of an ED pill. Those are pretty manly and I was 15. Imagine a 24 year old cowboy eating jerky, with beer, and beans, and you will see my point.

But no matter of terrible New Jersey 80's music will ever convince me that a steel cowboys really exists. In 2007, guys who ride Harley Davidson motorcycles are not the lovable Hell's Angel stereotype we've all grown to love. Hell's Angels used to kidnap little blond girls in the 60's, pretty baddass. Now a days the guys who can afford a Harley spend all day at a computer terminal with their tiny dicks, wondering what they can buy to get them through their midlife crisis. A Harley says man I wish I was a cowboy, to bad my wife only lets me ride it on Sunday after I pick the kids up from Vacation Bible School.

But I suppose here is why Harley Davidson's logic in endorsing beef jerky is sound.

Only being allowed to ride the motorcycle under the speed limit after Church, wont stop the tiny dick dude from buying the leather Harley jacket. You know the one with the huge Harley logo on the back, it never fits the guy right, makes him look like a bear. And nothing will stop them from buying the Harley seat blanket, fanny pack, water bottle, boots, gloves, sunglasses, helmet, and yes, probably now, the beef jerky.

I mean there are real bikers out there, scary guys with tattoos of the Tasmanian Devil stabbing Jesus Christ in the ass with the beak of a rigor mortis ridden Daffy Duck. But most the guys I see riding 2 wheel freedom mobiles do it under the speed limit, while wearing sleeves, and without a handle bar mustache. Beef Jerky is not the 2007 Harley mans food of choice. I mean he isn't going to starve in his 15 minute, 10 mile an hour, trek around the subdivision's cul-de-sac. More than likely he is on a no red meat diet, highlighted by vanilla flavored lipitor.

So all Harley Davidson, a company that markets an image that its customers will never live, has done. Is ruin the most manly food ever by making it yet another vehicle in which middle to high income, white collar American males, can try to make themselves feel like big dicked manly men by spending way to much money on a toy that they will never use as intended.

This whole rant makes perfect sense when you think about the guy who tells his wife he is going to the garage to get a replacement water filter, but instead sneak a piece of his Harley Davidson Beef Jerky instead. He opens up the tool box he has never used and his wife doesn't know he has, where he stashes his jerky. He reaches in and gets a tantalizing piece and pops it into his mouth. Leaning his head back with each tough and rough chew as a smirk comes on his face. This is what it feels like to be a man he thinks. Then he thinks he hears his wife coming an quickly spits the bite out and surreys away to search for a water filter.

Is that the fate you would want for your beef jerky? No more than a cock tease of manhood for a tamed suburbanite male? Instead of the glorious sustainence that saved the lives of many a stranded cowboy and their horse.

Boycott Harley Davidson Beef Jerky, you will be saving manliness in the process.


* NOTE * If you are reading this on TheFacebook.com the pictures may be F'd up.

Jean shorts tell a lot about a person

You ever notice what jeans shorts say about a person?

I'm not talking a 12 year old who wears them because their parents make them. Or the person who has to turn jeans into shorts because they are poor -- Unless that person is to poor because they bought a lottery ticket everyday of their life. I am talking about the individual over the age of 18, who rises every mourning and puts their pants on just like the rest of us. Sliding their pasty white legs, with the loony tunes tattoo, through the leg holes in their knee high denim badge of honor.

The jean short is to the white trash what the bicycle helmet is to the retard. A way of letting people know who you are and what you're capable of.

It is fact that people who wear jean shorts also do not wear sleeves. I don't care what the weather dictates, they ain't bothering with no pussy ass jacket, not unless it's made of denim. And they most definitely are not wearing pants, unless they're wranglers, junior wears wranglers. Their cut off No Fear or Big Johnson shirt is normally framed by long nasty 80's rocker hair. Either in the preferred mullet, or depending on their level of balding, the Hogan.

People who wear jean short are also always on their way to get drunk. If it's 8 in the morning and you see them getting steak and eggs at a Texas Style drive through, they will tell you exactly how they are going to get drunk. It could go something like this.

"How the fuck you doing man? I gotta fucking go stop by work today, the boss has been calling. I figure I'll skirt out round noon, stop by Lyle's to get a case, and be fucked up by 1. Yeeeeee Hawwwwwww."

Actually it goes something like that every time. That paragraph has probably been uttered more times in rural areas than good morning. Jean shorts wearers are more likely to say that after they wake up, than they are to read the morning paper.

Which brings me to my next point. My sperm reads at a higher level than most people who wear jean shorts. Books are more likely to be burned to start KKK rallies, than be read by people of the jean short persuasion. Aside from memorizing the NRA Handbook, which they do by having others read it to them every weekend on the way to the race, they have never cracked open a book.

Numbers however they understand. Natural Light Beer cost 6.99 for a 12 pack. Corona cost 7.99 for a 6 pack. That is a lot of numbers to crunch, but they can do it because the money they save can buy a 1 dollar scratch off. They may understand numbers, they do no understand odds.

They do however understand versatility. What other group of people have figured out the benefits of being able to drive your home anywhere you go? Grocery store? wont be lugging these bags up the stairs to my apartment. Vacation? Why pack, the house is coming too. Need to pick up and move in a pinch because the cops are after ya for that drunken hit and run you pulled? Easy as 1, 2, 3 trailer hitch.

Now I know what you are thinking. Aren't you scared that they will find this, get someone to read it to them, hunt you, and kill you. Well for one I am always scared a person in jean shorts is going to kill me. They have shotguns in the cabs of their semi trucks. But in truth, no. Because people who wear jean shorts think the internet was created by fags who can't change a tire.

And actually they might be right on that one.

Aimless Thoughts on Vacation

So as some people know me and Jen just returned from our recon trip in California. While there I made a few observations.

There are a ton of homeless people in San Fransisco and all of them are fucking nuts. Now I lived in the big apple and it has its share of crazy cardboard sleepers, but the West coast crazies, specifically San Francisco’s, take the cake. Their incessant self conversations made me realize something interesting. Crazy homeless people, as anyone who has lived in Kalamazoo Michigan can attest, adore talking to themselves. They think they are the funniest people in the world and will tell themselves about it in public places where others can see and hear. Now if I was homeless and didn’t give a fuck I would probably do the same thing. I can admit to talking to myself every so often when no one is around. But I am not a proponent of doing it in a crowd. Here’s the kicker though. I didn’t actually notice how crazy it was at first glace. You know what I thought it was? I thought it was some homeless dressing hippie like Mary-Kate or Ashley Olson talking on a blue tooth cell phone ear piece. I mean I was in San Francisco, a pretty swank and hip town, can you blame me for thinking some rich kid hipster was just talking on their annoying ear piece? What this confusion lead to however was me and Jen referring to all the homeless people as ”Bluetoothing” when ever we saw one carrying on with their self dialog. As in…

“Jen look that fucking guy wearing the garbage bag and 1994 Patrick Ewing basketball shoes is totally bluetoothing in front of those unsuspecting tourists. You think he is scaring the shit out of them?”

In fact we probably said “bluetoothing” once every 10 minutes because of the sheer volume of homeless people.

I also realized while there that the SUV, which is the most impractical vehicle in modern times, is nothing but a glorified man van. They aren’t cool, a muscle car is cool, it hauls ass and looks like berretta is behind the properly tinted glass. SUV’s have all the amenities of a Van on a larger wheel base with less gas mileage. Those head rest TV’s you use to shut your kid up on road trips, those are there. Room for a family of 5, there too. The inability to park in normal parking spots, yep you get that as well. All an SUV does is ensure the guy you hit when you get liquored up dies immediately because your vehicles higher frame and body line it up perfectly with the front window of most sedan style cars. But I’ll be damned if you didn’t look like a professional athlete as you did it. What is so wrong with a van anyhow? Chile Palmer drove one and he was a hit man. If your dick is so small you need to drive an Escalade to let people know you are a man then I guess I understand. But why don’t you just do what every other small dicked dude does. Lift a ton of weights, drive a huge jacked up full sized truck, and talk about how big your dick is to everyone you meet.

Another thing of note is a phrase I heard when my radio search landed on an evangelical radio station while driving on Highway 5 through the middle of California.

“God gave us the power to stop those responsible for abortion in America”

Ok while I could rant on almost any aspect of this loaded statement I will just stick with the logical fallacy it’s rooted in. The very fact that a group of people believe god gave them the power to stop anything causes me to wonder why those people don’t realize that god gave people the power to do the thing they are trying to stop. Are you following this? In the example above for instance God gave a bunch of doctor killing Christian extremists the power to stop abortion right? Well did they ever wonder why God gave doctors the power to do abortions in the first place? In other words if god gave you the power to stop anything man does or creates he also gives those people the power to create it right? That is how I see it. I mean unless the creators are godless heathens who have less rights to live than the people empowered to stop them of course. But in that case who gives them the power to create such a thing as abortion?

The devil obviously.

Who also created Harry Potter, Magic the Gathering, Dungeons and Dragons, dancing in Footloose, gays, Hurricane Katrina, and anything else that scares middle America and backwaters people everywhere.

I am sure other thing happened that made me wonder aimless thoughts for hours during our cross state trek, but I can’t think of anything else right now.

Holy Political Swing Batman!

So we went from the fear of religion in schools and the permanent ban of abortion to driving cars that reach 60 in a little less than 8 minutes and pussy footing around global issues. It is sort of a wash I suppose.

See I am neither Democrat nor Republican, that way I can always complain and always be right. It is a formula most 20 something American’s do in order to seem justified in their inabilities to make it to the voting booth. We are something, the future of America and we don’t care to do more than complain until we have a mortgage, some kids, and a 401K to worry about.

I for instance have spent the last week and a half at work (I am a waiter) talking with other 20 somethings about the flaws of America’s current political directions. The directions which falls squarely on the shoulders of the party in power, just as it will when 20 somethings are complaining once the all Democrat House, Senate, and White House has really settled in around 2010.

But the Dem’s would be hard pressed to fuck up as bad as the Bush lead Elephants. I am not sure exactly how history will treat the Bush tenure, but I imagine it goes something like this.

Former Presidents George Bush’s former coke head alcoholic son gets elected in the closest election in American Presidential History. Promptly takes the longest vacation in Presidential history. Goes on to sit in front of an elementary class for 7 minutes after hearing the words “Mr. President we are under attack” from an aid. That utterance turns out to be the most devastating attack on main land American soil by an outside force in American History. In the wake of such “utterance” President Bush, in the name of justice, pushes through congress some of the most devastating acts against American civil liberties in American history.

These acts are used to track down Terrorists in Afghanistan. Afghanistan terrorists then somehow become the Iraqi leadership, which we invade to protect America from weapons of mass destruction we never find. When those weapons show up in North Korea years later Bush deems it is best to pursue diplomatic means with our new nuclear nemesis.

In the time between the David Blain misdirection of WOMD (I prefer Chris Angel Mind Freak when it comes to ridiculously creepy magician, but Blain is the house hold name) Bush manages to reach the lowest approval rating in American Presidential History. Somewhere near the percent of people who believed O.J. didn’t do it. Bush also makes America about as popular as a pedophile in an elementary school in the foreign diplomacy realm.

At home Bush almost seemingly ignored one of the most devastating natural disasters in American history, which prompted Egomeglamaniac Kanye West to declare “George Bush does not care about black people.” Bush has recently rounded out his Presidential portfolio by standing up for and supporting one of the most corrupt congresses in American history. A congress so bad it actually has a lower approval rating than Bush himself. In fact the sweeping Democratic victory has to be attributed to the year long chain of Republican scandal after Republican scandal hitting the front page of every news outlet outside of Fox News.

So Bush’s legacy has a lot phases followed by “in American history“, unfortunately those phrases allude to the ineptitude with which he has done his job.

So from elephants to donkeys we will swing to the other end of the political zoo. I personally am unimpressed. It seems like the political pendulum is always at one apex or another, never in the middle. With all the talk of moderates and partisan politics we sure never seem to have as many centralist politicians as I’d prefer. I know the argument is that they never get anything done, but in light of recent years not getting anything done might be an improvement over the production we have seen from the elected representatives we’ve got.

If the Democrats try to push their issues as hard as the Republicans you can expect a fun America run by Susan Sarandon. We will be driving cars I run faster than, eating foods with its main nutritional value coming from the bacteria and parasites our pesticides haven’t killed, and a lot of gay stuff happening. Not gay in its socially negative context, but rather gay as in this > <>. Don’t get me wrong civil liberties are something I am a huge proponent of, I just hope our blue buddies don’t forget their obligations to the economy and global positioning. The Republicans fucked those up good and plenty so they still need to be focused on. This time in a manor that doesn’t make our economy seem like one giant corporation or our foreign policy leaders as Yosemite Sam style war mongers.

In short a breath of fresh air may be a good jolt in the arm of civilians who are disenfranchised with their American Government. But if that air starts to smell like patchouli, the Dems spent to much time posturing themselves apart from Bush style politicians, or they are to scared to do their jobs, we will have made the change from a schoolyard bully to the kid that tried way to hard to make everybody like them. I don’t know about you but I hated both of those kids equally.

My Special Forces Team

I was thinking a few days ago about what will happen when I become the most influential and powerful individual in the civilized world. It occurred to me that the showering of gifts, the constant cries for help, the undying reminders of my genius, as well as the admiration of millions, may grow tiring after some time. I would need entertainment.

It also occurred to me that when one assumes a position of power and envy there is danger at every turn. You never know what loathsome individuals would try to unseat you. One would need protection.

So I came to a conclusion. A team.... no not the "A" Team, but a team. Comprised of individuals of character and talent I most likely have scene on the television. A group that can handle any situation at any moment. Terrorist attacks, assassination attempts, public relations nightmares, surprise parties, genocide, you know all things eccentrics leaders dabble in. They would also need to be under contract so no squabbling could entangle my super team.

First they would need a name.

I would call them the Uncanny Justice League of Fantastic Avenging Personalities, or U.J.L.F.A.P. (Pronounced; "udge la fap"). Together they would do all my bidding while scoring high ratings performing in the reality show of the same name. It would be key insight into how the life of the worlds most influential and powerful individual in the civilized world stays protected and entertained.

Here's the roster.

LEADER: Edward James Olmos
EJO is the man. If he can captain the Battle Star Galactica against the relentless hordes of the Cylons he can lead the U.J.L.F.A.P. Olmos would represent the venerable leader of the group. His decisions law, unless otherwise countered by me, and his logic flawless, unless told otherwise by me. Olmos also has some of the worst acne scaring ever to make it into professional acting. It gives him an edge few can match in this day of modern acne treatment. As a bonus it ups my appeal to make a minority my teams head honcho.

This picture to your left shows Olmos in his younger days as Gaf from Blade Runner. If I could go back in time and add him to my elite unit he would be Gaf and play the teams hardass. As it is this picture demonstrates EJO distinctive face craters and how they give him "edge". The other picture is Olmos in his current incantation, Captain William Adama. Here's your leader. Eddie can bark out orders with the best of them. He would of course be required to wear this suit at all times. I would have to see what kind of weapons and special effect budget I could pull for the U.GL.F.A.P. But that Brings me to my next member of the team.

BRAINS: Steven Spielburg
What Can't this guy handle? he has 12 projects in production right now, as you read this he is in the process of doing more in the next 2 year than most production companies do in 50. Here is a list of situations Stevie can handle based of course on movies he is associated with.

Aliens and Space: He did Men in Black, ET, and AI (Is it me or would Drew Barrymore from ET and Hailey Joel Osmond from AI have been a super cute little kid couple). He is in the process of producing Transfomers, don't get me started there, and he also just announced Intersteller. I would feel bad for any Martian bitches who tried to run the coup on me with Spielio in the wait.

World Wars: I think Steven and Bosom Buddy Tom Hanks pretty much made up WWII, but they did it so well that he could handle it if it actually happened. Schindler's List, Saving Private Ryan, Band of Brothers, Survivors of the Holocaust (cough... didn't happen), and a buncha other crap are all set in this mythical war world he cashes in on. So if fiction ever become reality then Steve's got my back.

Cartoons: Steve Spielburg understands a vital fact in leadership. Keep your friends close and your enemies even closer. Cartoons are the enemy, they appeal to the youth and attempt to control your mind. How many people do you know who spew Family Guy lines none stop or can't get enough of South Park? Who Frames Roger Rabbit? Who cares so long as crazy ass Christopher Lloyd and his red eyes are friends of your teams brainiac. The Animaniacs are also terrifying, they are a rag tag family of crack addicts forced on our kids by generation fox kids. I need Steve on my side or I'll have cartoon Dinosaurs, Mice, Crack heads, Tinytoons, and rabbits all over my shit.

Ghosts and Sci-Fi: Casper, Gremlins, The Twilight Zone, Back to Future, and Sea Quest, to name a few. Steven Spielburg is like the teams Reed Richards, when it comes to fucking up stuff you never saw coming he'll answer the bell.

Bombs: Steven did Deep Impact which is like a bomb. But more importantly he did Joe Versus the Volcano which is far more lethal. If you watch it from start to finish it is so bad you immediately punch your ticket to hell. That's the power of Steven Spielburg.

But possible best of all he has shown the uncanny ability to mesh with crazies (as pictured) and come out unscathed.


MUSCLE: Kane
Many of you have already read my Baddass Awards, a trophy of a beef jerky molded shogun mounted on a a deer skull and set in copper given out by me to baddasses of exemplary stature. You must then understand how difficult this decision is for me. I decided to separate the team Baddass into two parts, neither of which can come from my awards. First, muscle. Kane from big time wrestling fits the mold. He looks like my old roommate and shoots fire when he comes to the ring. His nickname is the big red machine and that is also pretty cool.

CRAZY WILD CARD: Mel Gibson
The other part is the team psycho. Who better than the Anti Semitic liberator of Scotland? Gibson solves so many team needs. He gives the team a religious stance. He can best Gary Busy in a fist fight (Lethal Weapon). He can wield a sword taller than himself. Multiple time he has lead large groups of men into battle. He has become bat shit crazy. He knows how to survive in a post apocalyptic world, ensuring my team stands the test of time. And he knows how to kill Christ, which may come in handy should any rival most influential persons rise up to challenge me. Gibby would have that prick carrying crossed telephone poles down Curtis Clark Blvd. before he knew what hit him.

COVERT OPS SPECIALIST: Robosapien V2.0
This was a tough one. Needs are sneaky, mobile, smart, technologically savvy, small, and quiet. Steven Hawkins qualified for all but one, midgets are only funny once, and I didn't want to stay in just movies and television for my team. So I decided on Robosapien V2.0 for a multitude of reasons. One, I always wanted a robot servant. (V2.0 will be upgraded from the childs toy by Spielburgs animatronics people, did you see Jurassic Park?) Two, he is remote controlled, which means I can tag along on mission without having to risk of pulling a groin. Three, he can be an ambassador should we every encounter an enemy born of artificial intelligence. We all saw the Matrix. And lastly, Robosapien V2.0 wears a top hat, which can be employed at a diversionary tactic as he knows the entire library of old timey dances every created.

VEHICLE: Optimus Prime
The U.G.L.F.A.P. will cruise in style. With Steven Spielburg being the executive producer on Optimus's first live action movie I am sure we can convince him to use his semi truck body as a mobile base of operations. Optimus will also be used as the cavalry should things get hairy in the middle of a fire fight. There could be concerns Optimus Prime would unseat Olmos as team leader being that he is the leader of the autobots, but the pecking order of Spielburg under Olmos ensures Prime wont piss off his movies executive producer and grab teh reins.

Short Man Complex

We all know one or two of them, we may actually genuinely like them, but the fact remains. Most people with short man complex are uber deutsch bags.

You know those guys, no taller than 5'7, work out a ton, invasive good times personality, and always really tan. They generally wear popped polo collars and hit on anything that moves at the bar. Their main goal in life is to bag a taller woman to help supplant the lack of the height in their gene pool.

These dudes hit the ground running about the time the male body can start to put muscle on. They have been waiting their entire life to get big enough to kick the crap out of every larger kid that bullied them.

Unfortunately I got two words for them when it comes to a fight.

Circle jab.

Besides just putting your hand on their heads so they can't get close enough to hit you, you can always just circle one direction and light up their eye. Their cute little arms will never be long enough to hit you.

Anyhow fighting them is not the rant.

These guys bother me. No matter how tan your skin is, how large your biceps are, or how much of a good time you want people to think your having, you will never break 6 feet. But that's ok, they make rides for people your height as well.

See I can respect a shorter man than doesn't care how short he is. You know that 5'5 kid who weighs 120 on a good day and is oblivious to the fact that he is staring up at most peoples taints. See that guy is just a normal dude, he may be shorter than anyone you want you daughter to date, but fuck it, he'll find a short girl and everyone will think they are cute like bear cubs.

But those chotch's, the ones who have a Hollister card and gym pass, they need to go.

Take this guy we met this weekend. His head was shaped like a lizard, it was villainous, coupled with his short man stereotype and over all chotchiness it was offensive. He ruined my good time by constantly speaking to people who wanted to avoid his face. I was hoping he would pass out do to the lack of blood flow from his vein definingly tight shirt sleeves.

But he didn't.

See this dude was on, like always on, and it's a product of his short man complex. He feels he needs to overcompensate to make people like him because he doesn't sit at eye level. He literally was jumping up out of his seat to get in between people talking to dominate their conversation. I assumed from how much he worked out that he just clenched his ass cheeks together which made him hop up to eye level.

What ever the case it was like a little brother trying to get into the big brothers football game. At first you feel bad and want to include him, but by the end you tell your friends to hit him so hard he wont want to play anymore. He actually circled the whole table looking for someone to notice him.

If he would have just been a controlled contributing member of the group conversation, instead of a little invasive ball of muscle and lotion, he would have been fine. But because he's conditioned to feel inadequate because of his height, and possibly penis size (I didn't see how big his truck was), he bothered me enough to dedicate this blog to him.

So here's to short man, I hope they discover an exercise to build up the muscles on the bottom of your feet to increase your height. But until then go back Lillyput, drop the weights, avoid the skin cancer, and get out of my face when I am talking to my friends.

5 years Post 9/11: Good Thing Everythings Alright.

It is 11:20pm on the 5 year anniversary of 9/11 and those terrorist sons of bitches haven't done anything crazy like gluing quarters to the floor. I am not sure about you but I wasn't flying today.

I was hoping however for something really college prankish from Al Qaeda this time around. You know maybe paint the Lincoln Memorial, T.P. the White House, or sign the president up for an interview with an Army recruiter (Which by the way is the worse prank to ever have done to you, they will call you every month until your to old for duty).

But as it turns out no further terror was reined. Which makes me think perhaps that means we are winning the "war on terror"? Its been 5 years lets see where we are.

Do we have less terrorist activity? I would say yes, unless you count people blowing up Hummers in Iraq with homemade explosives terrorism. But no that is the insurgency, so ya we're good. And that failed terrorist attack in Heathrow airport in the UK has nothing to do with us.

Is America's economy recovering? Unless you live in Michigan you could say yes. Well aside from New Orleans, but that is from an unpreventable and totally unexpected natural disaster whose damage we could never have lessened. It is just bad timing that we diverted so much funding and attention to the war in Iraq. At least we have an assured victory there. Poor New Orleans and their unrepairable levies, that we had no idea were not up to snuff, had to just sit there and take it. Fortunately swift and heartfelt aid was provided by the government.

Are our civil liberties are as free as ever? Totally, we can still go about our business as American's without fear of being persecuted for unjust acts. The Patriot Act has ensured we are free to do what we as American's should rightfully and justly be allowed to do. God bless the Patriot act and the congress men that insightfully did not read the 300 plus pages so that it could be passed immediately.

Are we no longer worried about terrorist attacks on our homeland? Absolutely, the 2 hour strip search before any flight, along with the extra security along the border and in city subways is a good sign that we are safe inside of our own country. Why else are we able to wage a war on a different continent? We could hardly do that if we were concerned about our homeland security.

Which bring me to another point, we've chased those Al Qaeda sons of biches all the way to their base of operation Iraq. As Iraq has been the terrorist hub of the world over the past 20 years. In Iraq we are not only improving our foreign affairs, lower the price of gasoline, creating another successful democratic government, and destroying all of the weapons of mass destruction, but also demonstrating how military might always wins against Guerilla war tactics, as we learned during the Vietnam War.

So everything appears to be in good shape post 9/11.

Thank god for G.W. Bush and all the intelligent and capable people advising him through his terrific and Washington-esc presidential tenure.

Places People on Their Death Bed Frequent

Many of my friends have heard me rattle off the list of places I wont go because there is a good chance a person will die there. I am not talking about places where there is a high probability of injury, I am not a wuss er anything, I am talking about places where people who are about to die frequent.

An obvious example would be a hospital, there is a pretty good chance that if you go to a hostipal a few times somebody died while you were there.

Wal-Mart is also one of these places. How many times have I been to Wal-Mart? Three times, and all three I swear somebody was teetering on the brink. Wal-Mart is where people go to die together, a place where excess skin looking like yeast from rising bread is just as common as the low prices. An average Wal-Mart customer has several if not all of the following traits.

1. Old
2. An automated chair
3. A breathing apparatus
4. Fat
5. Most commonly trailer trash
6. Most commonly to poor to afford Medicare
7. Smokes a pack or more a day
8. Buys lottery tickets every day

You add a few of those up and you have a person with a high probability of Diabetis, Heart Disease, and Cancer, all while having no money to fix it. These people let themselves go long before they first entered the hollowed halls of Wal-Mart. They always travel with a pack of little bastard kids that are loud as fuck and have no respect for other people. These little side kicks are a form of hands for the people about to die. They use them to fill their carts with items they cannot reach, all while yelling at them to draw as much attention to themselves as possible. You can't die without somebody watching, that would defeat the point of frequenting these public places.

While Wal-Mart is king there are a few other places you have a good chance of seeing somebody die.

1. Old Country Buffet
Nothing spells death like an all day buffet 7 days a week. OCB may single handedly be responsible for America being the worlds fattest nation. The food glistens even more than the sweating faces of the restaurant's patrons.

2. Pharmacy
You can hardly be on your death bed without heading to the Pharm for your off brand meds. Don't forget to hit up the candy aisle before you pick up your trashy tabloids on the way out. If only they still sold cigarettes like they did in the 80's.

3. Secretary of State
I am not sure exactly why the secretary of state in a haven for the soon to be dearly departed. Without fail every time I go there it is stocked with unfortunate white trash 30 year olds pushing their fatally inclined mother/father figure, all while complaining loudly of the line.

4. Saves Alot
Like Wal-Mart only without all the consumer goods. Saves Alot doesn't sell vegetables unless they come in a frozen bag. The perfect grocery store for anyone attempting to put on that last 50 lbs to have their own too fat to leave the house without a crane special on TV.

They are more, but not many. See people who are about to die don't get out much, so when they do they want to make sure they head to places where they are ensured people of similar life expectancy. In a way these destinations are like modern day leper colonies, filled solely with people whose problems couldn't possibly effect the others around them, because those people are already just as fucking screwed.

What Happened to the Sawed Off Shotgun.....The Baddass Awards.

Raise your hand if you miss sawed off shotguns. Remember how they were so the craze in 90's action movies? Sawed off's, or shottie's as they are known in drug running circles, take a simple mode of asskickery, like shooting someone in the face with a shotgun, and make it even more diesel. By chopping the barrel off to create a stub nose shotgun you make the gun as follows.

1. Look tough as hell
2. Look like it's been used alot
3. Shoot fire following the blast out of the barrel (at least in the movies I've seen)
4. More concealable for sneaking past security
5. Pistol whip capable, rather than that pussy hit them with the butt of the gun crap.

See in the 90's the sawed off was the weapon of choice of every good biker gang thug, post apocalyptic baddass, cyborg, cowboy with a bad attitude, ex-cop trying to find his partners killer, or the original Ghost Rider Johnny Blaze. Now while half of those previously listed are a tad gayish, the other half are baddasses to the max. And the main reason they are baddass? The sawed off man!

Here is a list of pansies that would really up their testosterone count with a sawed off shotgun by their side.

1. John Tesh
While the music rocks, his blonde locks do not. But add a sawed off shotgun and suddenly he could roll in badass circles. They may not understand Tesh's new age contemporary Christian music, but combine a Sawed off with that Eagle Scout he is touting, plus the fact that I swear he must be at least 7 foot 8 inches tall, and that dude could kill a pack of wild circus midgets no prob.



2. David Hasselhoff
Davy Boy has millions of psycho German's with Nazi Lineage just waiting for him to lead them. You put one shotgun in his hand and I guarantee he'll grow the pair they all have been waiting for. I mean German's love death metal, creative sex, terrible acts of war, beer, and the dude from Baywatch. I figure you give him a sawed off and the rest of those German loves will just follow his lead. I can see Hassellhoff leading the Germans over a flaming pile of their enemies corpses like the Terminator in T2 during the future scene. The Hoff being all shiny and sweaty with his shottie over his head as he stands on a skull. Epic.




3. Martha Stewart
Martha has taken alot of shit lately. Jail, being called out by Trump for taking the apprentice series and dropping it in the shitter, not to mention losing the cell interior design competition in the slammer. This woman's rage could all be funneled through a mighty sawed off boomstick of justice. All those late night monologues portraying her as the devil could easily come to fruition as she goes postal on the talk show circuit.

In a moment true to my generation, an ADD moment, I will completely change this post and move in another direction. This list has me thinking that there should be a whole award show dedicated to baddasses in all fields.

The award would be a sawed off shotgun, molded in beef jerky, then set in copper, and finally mounted on a dear skull. You could have the award for biggest baddass in many categories, Ted Nugent should host it.

Politics: Dick Cheney
The evil emperor of America shot a man with a rifle just in time to edge out Alaskan Ted Stevens as the most badass politician. I am not a Republican, but those red state guys sure are pissed off. If this was 1804 it would go to Aaron Burr for shooting rival Alexander Hamilton dead, but alas it is not. Though visions of a Burr vs. Cheney duel sends shivers down my spine. Of course if he hadn't already served his terms I would've voted for Hollywood Bill in any political vote, including this one.

Sports: Aaron Durley
The 6'8 256 lb 13 year old from Saudi Arabia played in the little league world series. That kid is playing the wrong sport, but never mind that. He deserves the baddass award for being the first person able to kill every other person on the same playing field, both teams, single handedly. This giant kid could throw little leaguers around like a pissed off gorrilla in a cage full of Gilbert Godfried clones. Aaron Durley is big enough to kick the ass of most grown men.

This photo is in no way doctored, that kid to your right is really that big and 13 years old.








Television Personality: James Cramer
The host of Mad Money uses machine gun noises to let you know how excited he is about stock. His face gets so red and full of blood that you can see his heart beat in is cheeks. I actually think Jim Cramer could kill Bill O'Reiley and Tucker Carlson with one hand, run the stock market with the other, and use his lower half to have sex with Barbara Walters all at the same time. Booyaaaa Jim!

Literature: Maddox
The author of The Alphabet of Manliness is pretty much the poster boy for an over the top manittude. Maddox puts BBQ sauce on popsicles he's so tough. There are some pretty baddass books about there, but this award is for the author, not the book. Otherwise some weapons manual author might win. Maddox dresses like a pirate, kicks kids, uses his boner to stab his enemies.





Music: Glen Danzig
One of Danzig's logos is a demon strangling the lord Jesus Christ while blood comes out of Jesus's eyes. Danzig's is one of the pioneers of horror rock and founded the band the Misfits. He appeared on Aqua Teen Hunger Force and can be quoted as saying "listen to me as hard as you fucking can" which is pretty baddass. I am sure you can make arguments here for Henry Rollins, Andrew WK, Pantera, and a buncha other guys, but Glen Danzig would eat a bloody fetus alone in a dark closet every night just to make sure he goes to hell. He is terrifying and that is baddass.

Comic Character: Wolverine
It is obvious, unoriginal, and redundant to the point of boring, but there is no more baddass comic character than Wolverine. He is baddass for a reason most are not. He gets the shit kicked out of him like no body else. He runs into a fight, get turned into a bloody rag, regenerates, and comes back to do it again. He repeats that pattern until he finally uses his three clawed hands to puncture your throat and end you life. regeneration combined with unbreakable bones and claws is the perfect formula for a baddass.





Movie Actor: Danny Trejo
First off this guy was a lightweight and welterweight prison boxing champ. Your never more baddass than when your the best fighter in prison. Danny Trejo is the huge tattooed Mexican in every movie with a huge tattooed Mexican. He's died a ton in all his movies and I didn't believe it once, there is no way this guy dies under any circumstances. In fact he is such a baddass he has been recast in the sequels to movies in which his character died. They just wanted him so bad that they gave him a new role and said fuck continuity. Anybody more important than continuity in Hollywood is baddass.



Agriculture: Leon Peter Clark II
Farmers are tough as hell and my dad might be the poster boy. First of all he returned a bed because it was to comfortable, it prevented him from limiting his sleeping schedule to the 4 hours of eyes open rest a night he is used to. I think he sleeps with a screw diver under his pillow just waiting. He also had an entire building he was standing on crumble from a crane boom collapsing on it. Only the beam and the scrap metal slab he was using for a working ledge was left standing. Lastly is the fact that he beat a stroke into submission at the age of 37 and is still scary as all shit at 52. My dad could kill me on his death bed, strangling me with his breathing tubes no doubt grinding his dirt encrusted palms into my eyes.

Where Labor Day Ranks

Labor Day, what the hell is that? I mean we have a ton of holidays in this America of ours. Christmas, Thanks Giving, Presidents Day, Memorial Day, The Super Bowl, Valentines Day, St. Patrick's Day, Independence Day, New Years Eve, and Easter to name a few.

So where does Labor Day rank? Probably fucking last to be honest. I mean since when in the last 15 years have American's really given a damn about the people Labor Day was created for? You know blue collar folk.

No I don't mean the people you see on the Country Music Channel, I mean coal miners, farmers, assembly line workers, people who can't spell the names off all the things they can't buy with all the money they aren't earning.

That is not a rip by the way, as many of you know my dad is a farmer and does quite well, but he definitely doesn't know what the hell the internet is, nor can he spell it. The point is he doesn't care.

So in this modern America we need to list our holidays based on how American they really are. Here is the list of where these Holidays land.

1. CHRISTMAS
Christmas is so much the boner of the holiday bunch that even Jews are getting in the act. You get free shit from people, eat terrific food, see family members you haven't seen all year, and tell funny family stories. Christmas lets Americans do the one thing that we do best, spend alot of money on a buncha shit to show how wealthy we are.

2. SUPER BOWL
WHAT EVER. I don't care if this isn't an actually holiday. The Super Bowl is America. God Damn Air Force Jets flying overhead, more fireworks than lesbian mud wrestling, Beer, Babes, Hank Williams Jr, and men hitting men. If it was guaranteed to be a good game every year it would be number 1. GO LIONS

3. PRESIDENTS DAY
I know what your saying, Curtis are you stupid we don't even get work off on Presidents Day and when the Hell is it. Well no I am not stupid you are, and if you can't call in sick to celebrate the most American thing there is then you suck. Presidents day is the third Monday in February and it rocks for one simple reason. America has the oldest government in the world and is the template most new governments are based of off. We had Washington, Lincoln, and alot of other badass's as our President. We may not like the one we have, but the fact is the American President is the most powerful man in the world. How American is it to be powerful? the most American that's how American.

4. THANKSGIVING
The reason Thanksgiving makes this list of where it ranks in American-ness is not why you would think. I mean yes we all picture the Turkey diner, the fam sitting and laughing, the corn, the listing of things we are thankful for. But why it is American is simple, right after we sat and ate with the Indians on the first Thanksgiving we promptly started killing them for the next 200 years. Thanksgiving is the first documented time that Americans started a true American tradition, making friends with people and then killing them and taking their assets. Now that's as American as Apple Pie.

5. INDEPENDENCE DAY
Somewhere in every American is an undying urge to stick it to the English. We smoked them out of the New World to earn our Independence and they have been licking their wounds since. I mean think about WWII, we let the Nazi's beat the shit out of them for a few years before we swooped in and saved the day. You think Roosevelt didn't plan that shit, he just wanted to add to the list of things we do better than them. So what is Independence Day really to Americans? It is a reminder of how much better we are than the British. Get Fucked and get Dental you limey pricks.

6. MEMORIAL DAY
We have had alot of people die in war for this country and it is to distastefuly for me to joke about that. Memorial Day is a great holiday and truely American. I wont kid about it. We pay homage to all the people who sacrifice their lives to give people like me the opportunity to sit here in my spare time and write a little insignificant blog poking fun at America loving America.

8. FLAG DAY
Fly it proud folks, the Red, White, and Blue is the most hated and loved flag in the world. If you don't have a flag, a mini flag, a flag shirt, and a flag bumper sticker then your a communist. Flag Day is when we let the rest of the world know who the hell we are.

7. LABOR DAY
No it isn't last. Labor Day weekend is the drunkest weekend of the year and that's pretty American. College Football starts, Baseball games are played, Budweiser makes bank, and the summer closes out in a bang. Labor Day its self isn't that great, no one really celebrates the working class but the working class, but any three day weekend is pretty cool by American standards.

8. St. PATRICK'S DAY
Now St. Patty's is a celebration of when Saint Patrick purged the Emerald Isles of all snakes back in the day. That is a load of bullshit and we Americans know it. St. Patrick's Day is really the day during the year when we all get drunks like Irishmen and dress up like Leprechauns. Its like one big joke about how many Irish men are alcoholics and how fun it is to mock them. As Americans it is our duty to point out and mock as many strange customs that other countries have as possible.

9. Three Way Tie Between EASTER, VALENTINES DAY, and NEW YEARS EVE
These holidays suck, Valentines Day is a day of everything pink and to many assholes thinking it is romantic to propose on Valentines Day. Get a clue chotch, the girl wants you put some thought into it, not pick the most obvious date in a calendar year. I am not sure what Easter even is, I stopped caring. Easter is the one holiday you can miss and no one cares. I think it is supposed to be the day Jesus took his body with him to heaven. Ya I am going to believe that the guy whose mom didn't have sex to have him took what was left of his body after it the Jews in the Passions of the Christ got done with him back to Heaven with him. First of all would want their physical body in Heaven when no one else has one? I mean your not gonna have sex using it in Heaven. I can imagine how that conversation goes.

Jesus - "Ya so this is what I looked like back on earth, I mean minus the broken shit and all that blood, I was kind of a big thing. You know I am the only one up here that has one of these."

Hot Girl Ghost - "...."

Jesus - "So did I mention my dad owns this place?"

Hot Girl Ghost walks away.

As for New Years sure we all get drunk which I mentioned above is pretty American, but that's it. I mean we make a promise we never keep in the form of a resolution and then the next day happens. Every country has New Years and every country does it the same.

That's it then, if I forgot a holiday then it doesn't matter.

Customer Sercive?

I called my satellite internet provider yesterday around 4 o'clock for a very important reason. I waited from the hours of 1pm to 4pm for their installation guy to show up and give me the goods.

I dialed them digits hoping to get a person to yell at on the other line, but..... It was a computer.

So after using my touch tone phone for 15 more minutes I finally get the option to dial 2 for personal assistance. The elevator music starts and the real fun begins.

All circuits are busy, but stay on the line and your call will ba taken in the order it was received. Now judging from the amount of time I spent waiting I was really far in the back of the line. I waited for another good 15 minutes after the computer options. During that time it occurred to me that if I was waiting this long, there were alot of other people just as pissed in front of me. Not to mention that after I had spared with the computer for 15 just to get in the back of the line I was going to be extremely pissed.

Finally a woman answers. I tell her the problem and that they wasted my day. She informs me it is not their fault, it is the local installers and that I need to take it up with them. She gives me a number and lets me go.

I call them, All circuits are busy, please call back later.

HOLY SHIT!

I call Hughes Net back. 15 minutes of computer interaction and Jon Tesh late I am back on the phone with a new person. I have to re-tell my tale. The new person puts me on hold to call the local installer herself, I re-jam out to Jon Tesh for 10 more. She comes back and tells me she got through but there was an error in the computer options and she has to call back. What ever happened to calling a business and having a person answer first, but again I wait.

Once more me and Tesh go to the well.


20 later she is finally back, and here is what she said happened with them not showing. Their truck, the one used to install Satellites, didn't have the right equipment to install a satellite, so they couldn't do it.

TWO problems with that, one they didn't call, I was waiting for 4 hours. Two they are a installation business, how the fuck can you not have the equipment?

Now I got the Hughes Net chick pissed as well, she says she will handle it and have them call me with a verified installation time and date with-in the hour.

They Don't call.

I call Hughes Net back, what happened to my Tesh? Now it's Bolton and I begin to breath fire.

The same girl answers the phone again after 10 minutes and we get back into it. Again she deflects blame to the local installer and says for me to stay on the line she is going to conference call them with me. she gets through to the local guys and the dude on the other line blows her off and is a dick. I try to talk and they ignore me. She bitches him out and says they no longer have Hughes Net America's largest satellite internet provider and their sister company Direct TV's business.

I am pretty sure that just ran the local dudes out of business.

We drop him from the conversation and she says she will locate another provider in the region and call me back with the installation time herself.

She never calls back and today I call Hughes Net to find out what the fuck is going on. Apparently they canned her because the call was monitored. They assigned me to a new guy named Jason. He gives me the number for the new local provider to call and set up installation. At this point I am so mad I am considering trying to get this guy fired for not just solving my problem himself.

See you have to understand, I already paid them weeks ago for the $600 dish needed for the service and my first months fee of $69.99 and haven't seen a second of high speed internet. All they have done if throw me from one local provider to another, they haven't done shit but make me wait for hours on the phone, all while already pocketing $670. They are just middle men, but they are the only game in town. I beg somebody to try to convince me that all these large scale media mergers are good in any way what so ever.

Finally I call the new local guys, dance the computer dance, then a woman answers the phone. I tell her that I need to schedule installation and she says her husband is out of the office and he will call me back today after 4.

I turn beet red, hang up, and drive to the store to buy a Jon Tesh CD just to remind me of the good ol days.

Designer Jeans, the Drug of the Future...Present?

First of all the title of this entry reminds me of Time Splitters: Future Present, which is a great game, gotta get that outa the way. It's the only reason I still have an XBox.

But on to the real threat, denim. Denim, specifically in jean form, is scary controlling. Nothing feels better than having a pair of jeans you look really good in. In my case I had a pair of Diesel Zathan 772's than I wore till they died and now there is a hole in my heart.

I've tried replacing them, lavishing myself with expensive pairs of other Diesel jeans, but it is not the same, they changed their manufacturing process and now I can't get my fix.

At close to $180.00 a pop if you lucky, Diesel jeans will tear a hole in wallet as fast as they do your heart when they inevitable die from over wear. Sure you can get them on ebay, at sample sale, or at a whole salers, but they never seem to fit just right unless you shell out all the clams.

I own or have own over 10 pairs and only 1 really did it for me. The others just remind me of how much I miss my Zathan 772's (manufacture pre 2006). As soon as they show up at my door step and disappoint I send them back or sell them on Ebay.

It's like having really good crack and then just slightly worse crack from then on out. It's like your first kiss or first sexual experience, those will always be special, these new jeans they are like sniffing glue compared to the full on crack experience of my first good pair.

What am I to do, I keep buying and selling, selling and buying, hoping one day that magic pair will show up and replace the ones that god took from before their time.

I know you may think it's intervention time. Quick make him wear Lee Dungarees or wranglers till he flushes his system, but that like any withdrawal may kill me. Is that a risk your willing to take, better instead find me some Diesel jeans quick before I snap and shake you down for money to re-up my stash.

In the end sure it may kill me, I may become to addicted and the search may prove so taxing that I finally lose my grip and my brain just turns off. But man if I find that pair, the pair I know is out there, I will die happy with a smile on my face with a crowd of people looking over my dead body saying

"Man he's dead, but those are some nice jeans."

My Dad Builds Post Apocalyptic Landscapes

I was heading down Wright road this morning when I decided to make a detour to the ADM job my dad is working on. ADM is the place in Grand Ledge where farmers take their grain to have it weighed and checked for moisture content, then sell it. As I came around the corner to where the facility normally stands I come into a world only scene in baddass Mad Max movies from the 80's (Oh Mel how we all miss your less anti-Semetic days).

In front of me is an amalgamation of metal and sand, a playground for gas pirates and Ausies everywhere. In the middle a giant steel structure shoots to the heaven, flanked by an unfinished metal wall with a crain in the middle, all of it surrounded by dirt and gravel. The only human in sight? My dad. He is sitting on his bulldozer pushing dirt piles into flattened dirt paths to latter be covered in gravel and blacktop.

But for now it looks like Nevada 2078.

It's so awesomely Post Apocalyptic that you mouth should become dry just picturing it. All I wanted was like a classic muscle car missing the doors with guns welded to it, maybe by the A team if I am lucky, and then a few bad guys to kill.

Actually my dad on his great moving metal thrown of destruction could have been the boss. He looks like duke Nukem, has a bulldozer, is friggin huge and dirt covered, plus he has that awesome blown back hair that all good villains have; see Vince McMahon.

It made me sad to leave the future and return to this computer to tell its tale, but I needed some juicy juice to quench my parched throat. I wonder how the world will end up looking like that? All the usual suspects need to be considered. Natural disaster, a nuke, over consumption of natural resources, The election of my dad as President, aliens, extreme sports, MTV, it could be any of them, or maybe all of them.....

Trapeze, Yet Another Reason to Hate Carnies

Ok circus folk are weirdos.

They are like English Pikeys with a penchant for drawing unusual attention to themselves through psuedo artistic, acid trippy, poor man's cedar point style activites. They travel in large groups with semi trucks filled with equipment used to lure little kids into large tents with middle age men in body paint, it's borderline petafilia.

So it is with obvious distain that I rant on the cats craddle of circus structures the Trapeze. This weekend me and a few friends were in Boyne Falls MI for a little drinking and relaxing. We had a condo, alot of access to water rides, and more liquor than Harrison Ford at the premier of U571.

After one fateful evening that saw us take a ski lift to the top of Boyne Mt. we decided to hit up the local bars. After some fun at Piersons and the Trophy Room, at which there were no trophy's, we decided it best to head back to our condo for more drinking.

Then it happened.

We opened the door to the Trophy Room bar and BAM, some ninja Carnies erected a midnight Trapeze set right in the courtyard of the grand hotel. Now of course me, not of sound mind, decided that we should climb this Trapeze set and play on it. Four of the eight of us agreed and we set to trespassing.

After jumping the ladder guard and boosting the girls up we played like kids in a ball pit not realizing that somebody probably pissed in there. Not until I layed on my back facing up however did I see what the Carnies had trapped me with.

A higher platform to jump off of.

We were 10 feet in the air, but to jump from 20 feet is something no drunk man trying to impress his girlfriend can resist. So I started my accent to greatness.

At the top I sat on my ass and pushed off, thinking did not go into this equation. As I began to fall I realized that i was straight as a board. By the time my toes went between the razor wire that is these Carnie safty nets it was to late. My back and neck whiplashed backwards as my stomach shot forward, I preceded to touch my ankles to the back of my head.

I am sure the lady was impressed.

But the fun didn't stop there, as my feet went deeper into the net and my body bent like a banana I build up quite a bit of potential energy. Something had to give and it wasn't going to be the razor wire safty net. I shot forward face first across the net on my forarms and nose. When the dust settled my nose looked someone skinned it like a carrot and my forarms were more black and blue than a pledges ass after frat initiation night.

Fear those Ninja Carnies men, they will temp you the next time you indulge youself in to many libations, whether it be the trapeze, human canon, or the bearded lady, there is no resisting their charms.

updating the job front

Apparently that job I was eluding to last post is happening. My first piece will be an interview with the Dallas Cowboys starting tackle, and former MSU Spartan, Flozell Adams. This is a face to face interview with a professional athlete, to say i am crapping my pants is an understatement.

In fact I crapped your pants I am so scared.

But some of the other names Rina Risper, my new part time boss, knows goes as follow

All The Detroit Pistons
Dwayne Wade, his mom
Shaq's mom, in fact she had to cancel a trip to her yearly BBQ this week
Almost any MSU player to turn pro

It's insane.

God I hope I don't &@#% this up.

A normal post?

Ya nothing good today, just a little ditty about how it's hard to find work when you wont settle for anything less than a job working towards your career goals. In my case sports journalism.

It's been 4 months and a few leads have already died out, but the most recent is promising. We are in the pay negotiation part, so it may actually come to fruition.

Now all I need to do is learn how to properly write this crazy English language and I'll be all set. I set a goal of making a million dollars in 07, so I better get to cracking.

Snakes..... er Explosive Liquids on a Plane

Holy shit they tried it again, you have to give those crazy Jihadist assholes some credit. If at first you succeed in a horrible and immoral murderous action like 9/11, try try again.

As I am sure you heard, yesterday 21 assholes were caught trying to sneak multiple liquids, to be combined during flight and detonated by I-POD's and other electronic devices, onto planes in their carry on luggage.

Now I know I-POD's are possibly the most dangerous invention every to rape the social landscape, social interaction? Why when I can get Rush Limbaugh on PODCAST, but I never thought they could make their way into terrorists agendas. I mean Al Quada is dangerous, but combined with an I-POD and we are talking world domination.

My I-POD, which just showed up one day and took over my life, speaks to me as I try to sleep, it's terrifying. Now I have to worry about it blowing up liquids sneaked into my bedroom dress in coke cans.

But back to Jihadist assholes, I am not sure how to take this one.

I mean hurray we caught them, seriously, I can't imagine the havoc that could have happened, we're talking an international 9/11 here. Those planes had passengers from all over the world ready to ride them. So its fantastic we got 'em. It also should help bolster more global support of anti-terrorist securities.

But, and as bad as this is going to sound.

It also really puts the ball back in Gun Slinger G.W. Bush's court. This prevented scenario is really going to open another window for somewhat less abated action on the part of the President.

Not that I think it shouldn't, but Bush's track record in said situation has been one of horrible abuse. So I am not really looking forward to that, hopefully congress has learned its lesson on quick momentum filled support.

My friend Pat Ward, who as of August 1st is in basic training, may have been on to something when he opened up the debate of a PR war on Terrorism. This fight is not a fight, terrorism is an ideology of sorts, you can't bomb an ideology. But you can kill one through years and years of carefully crafted public relations and political posturing.

This most recent failure on the part of terrorist's hopefully equates to one bad PR hit globally, and in their recruiting circles.

Luckily terrorism can't fight the PR battle. See when what you're pushing is the death of innocent civilians, people don't tend to buy what your selling. Well not unless your a tobacco company.....

But I'll save that rant for another day.

Till then, a serious thank and good job to the British security forces at Heathrow Airport.

Bowling, Satan's game of marbles

I went bowling yesterday, for 5 hours. Today my body feels like a man beat my right side with a lead pipe filled with the blood of the innocent. Not good.

See I decides something. Bowling, a game with a fine mix of white trash and caveman elements, is actually the work of the devil. You take a shinny orb, that by the end of the day your are praying to for strikes, and throw is forcefully at a triangle of white pins. Hell the ball is even returned to you from some evil magic underground tunnel, I bet the Devil personally tee bags each ball before it is returned just to hammer his point home.

So Bowling combines praying to false gods, aggression, white trash fun, the Devil's dick bag, and the destruction of glowing holy white pins. Seems like the serious work of Beelzibub (that's the devil for you not in the know) to me. I mean think about it, what a crafty way to get people to join the dark side. One minute you think you are enjoying throwing polished balls on a greased lane and next thing you know, BAM, you rolled out the red carpet to you heart for Satan.

I hope the Christian extremists get wind of this, then they can stop shooting abortion doctors and start really cleansing the earth by blowing up the real threat to a perfect Christian world, Bowling Alley's

My accursed 31 inch Waist

I know what your thinking, a 31 inch waist, what a baddass. But hold your horses there cowboy, in fact a 31 inch waist sucks balls. I don't own a single pair of jeans I can wear without a belt. In fact the 31 x 34 size I need is the holy grail of pants. Unfortunately it is also a farce, no person in their right mind produces more than 1 pair of that jean.

Why you ask?

Because most of the people who are interested in buying them, like yours truly, are dead. That's right, 31 inches is the size your waist can shrink to when your stone dead. Some cadavers still have an easier time finding jeans than me because they only get down to a 32, lucky dead bastards.

SO as my continuing searches leads to dead ends, I begin to consider that all important question.

Should I get ass implants?

I know it seems ridiculous, but I challenge you to consider this. People such as me who suffer from Nastitol (No-Ass-At-All) disease would save a fortune on custom tailoring costs with some dumps in their trunks. In the long run my ass implants would pay for themselves. Also in this "I like big butts I cannot lie" era that we live in, I would face far less undeserved scrutiny for my lacking butt cheeks.

I will be torn in half when considering this life and possibly ass altering surgery, god give me the strength to make the right decision.

Eixt Casa-Knollwood

That's right kiddies, I'm Out. I know it's sad, but all good things must come to end. So must my tenure at the dankest apartment complex this side of the projects. I appreciate the memories and the laughs, but most of all the late night rave fest put on my middle eastern neighbors. Lalalallalalalalalalallalalalalalal one more time fer me guys.

As fer the move....

I will be putting my tail through my legs and camping it out in the basement of Castle Pete for a few months before grad school. Here's to family diners, the hilarity that is my dads every day actions, and the realization that all my friends in Lansing are gone.

Fuck TGI Fridays

Those pretentious bastard over at TGI Friday's had the audacity to poison my god damn food. I was sitting on the toilet longer than it took me to take the SAT"s. Though in the good I did get to read articles in GQ on Oliver Stone and Justin Timberlake. Did you know that Oliver Stone did coke in an Arkansas prison on an electric chair, or that JT loved Britney since he was 11?

Crazy shit eh?

Ok well time to pass out on the pile of clothes that replaced the bed I threw out. Hope I don't wake up in my Jack Daniels New York Strip I paid 17.99 to expunge.