Harley Davidson Beef Jerky

Here's a phrase I was happy to never say in my life, "Harley Davidson Beef Jerky". Man I thought I was gonna make it, but 25 years in, pow! They fucking made their own beef jerky. I mean I get it, when the cowboys crossed the prairies of the Wild Wild West they needs some serious salted beef to make it through the harsh heat. The steel cowboys of the Bon Jovi era need salted beef too, how else can they blaze on the cement trail of modern America? Well by chomping down on a little stick of heart attack endorsed by their favorite brand of motorcycle, that's how.

Here's the issue, how did this happen? If I am in an exec meeting at Harley and my boss says "Hey anyone got any good idea's before we get out of here and go ride our hogs into the sunset like we do every Tuesday?" Do I really raise my hand and actually say "Harley Davidson Brand Beef Jerky" without laughing like I just snorted a ground up payday mixed with clean cut Columbia south grade coke? Probably not, I probably keep my hand down because that idea sounds fucking stupid. And also I keep it down because no matter how much clean cut Columbian south grade coke I mix with it, the payday, even snorted, will still render me motionless, as it is the most satisfying of all candy bars.

But back to that Wild West metaphor for a sec. Cowboys are fucking baddass. I mean like kill everybody in the bar, then drink a bottle of whiskey, and before you exit, break it on a guys head on the way out. You don't fuck with a cowboy, anyone who can break the will of a wild stallion and not break their pelvic bone at the same time, is cooler than ice tea. That's why they eat eat man food like Beef Jerky, it's the quintessential man food. Let me paint a picture. When I was in 9th grade I used to eat a bag of beef jerky, a chocolate milk, and a piece of pizza, everyday after school. In that year I more than quadrupled my number of chest hairs, grew like all my pubes, and starting getting boners lasting longer than 4 hours without the help of an ED pill. Those are pretty manly and I was 15. Imagine a 24 year old cowboy eating jerky, with beer, and beans, and you will see my point.

But no matter of terrible New Jersey 80's music will ever convince me that a steel cowboys really exists. In 2007, guys who ride Harley Davidson motorcycles are not the lovable Hell's Angel stereotype we've all grown to love. Hell's Angels used to kidnap little blond girls in the 60's, pretty baddass. Now a days the guys who can afford a Harley spend all day at a computer terminal with their tiny dicks, wondering what they can buy to get them through their midlife crisis. A Harley says man I wish I was a cowboy, to bad my wife only lets me ride it on Sunday after I pick the kids up from Vacation Bible School.

But I suppose here is why Harley Davidson's logic in endorsing beef jerky is sound.

Only being allowed to ride the motorcycle under the speed limit after Church, wont stop the tiny dick dude from buying the leather Harley jacket. You know the one with the huge Harley logo on the back, it never fits the guy right, makes him look like a bear. And nothing will stop them from buying the Harley seat blanket, fanny pack, water bottle, boots, gloves, sunglasses, helmet, and yes, probably now, the beef jerky.

I mean there are real bikers out there, scary guys with tattoos of the Tasmanian Devil stabbing Jesus Christ in the ass with the beak of a rigor mortis ridden Daffy Duck. But most the guys I see riding 2 wheel freedom mobiles do it under the speed limit, while wearing sleeves, and without a handle bar mustache. Beef Jerky is not the 2007 Harley mans food of choice. I mean he isn't going to starve in his 15 minute, 10 mile an hour, trek around the subdivision's cul-de-sac. More than likely he is on a no red meat diet, highlighted by vanilla flavored lipitor.

So all Harley Davidson, a company that markets an image that its customers will never live, has done. Is ruin the most manly food ever by making it yet another vehicle in which middle to high income, white collar American males, can try to make themselves feel like big dicked manly men by spending way to much money on a toy that they will never use as intended.

This whole rant makes perfect sense when you think about the guy who tells his wife he is going to the garage to get a replacement water filter, but instead sneak a piece of his Harley Davidson Beef Jerky instead. He opens up the tool box he has never used and his wife doesn't know he has, where he stashes his jerky. He reaches in and gets a tantalizing piece and pops it into his mouth. Leaning his head back with each tough and rough chew as a smirk comes on his face. This is what it feels like to be a man he thinks. Then he thinks he hears his wife coming an quickly spits the bite out and surreys away to search for a water filter.

Is that the fate you would want for your beef jerky? No more than a cock tease of manhood for a tamed suburbanite male? Instead of the glorious sustainence that saved the lives of many a stranded cowboy and their horse.

Boycott Harley Davidson Beef Jerky, you will be saving manliness in the process.


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