My Special Forces Team

I was thinking a few days ago about what will happen when I become the most influential and powerful individual in the civilized world. It occurred to me that the showering of gifts, the constant cries for help, the undying reminders of my genius, as well as the admiration of millions, may grow tiring after some time. I would need entertainment.

It also occurred to me that when one assumes a position of power and envy there is danger at every turn. You never know what loathsome individuals would try to unseat you. One would need protection.

So I came to a conclusion. A team.... no not the "A" Team, but a team. Comprised of individuals of character and talent I most likely have scene on the television. A group that can handle any situation at any moment. Terrorist attacks, assassination attempts, public relations nightmares, surprise parties, genocide, you know all things eccentrics leaders dabble in. They would also need to be under contract so no squabbling could entangle my super team.

First they would need a name.

I would call them the Uncanny Justice League of Fantastic Avenging Personalities, or U.J.L.F.A.P. (Pronounced; "udge la fap"). Together they would do all my bidding while scoring high ratings performing in the reality show of the same name. It would be key insight into how the life of the worlds most influential and powerful individual in the civilized world stays protected and entertained.

Here's the roster.

LEADER: Edward James Olmos
EJO is the man. If he can captain the Battle Star Galactica against the relentless hordes of the Cylons he can lead the U.J.L.F.A.P. Olmos would represent the venerable leader of the group. His decisions law, unless otherwise countered by me, and his logic flawless, unless told otherwise by me. Olmos also has some of the worst acne scaring ever to make it into professional acting. It gives him an edge few can match in this day of modern acne treatment. As a bonus it ups my appeal to make a minority my teams head honcho.

This picture to your left shows Olmos in his younger days as Gaf from Blade Runner. If I could go back in time and add him to my elite unit he would be Gaf and play the teams hardass. As it is this picture demonstrates EJO distinctive face craters and how they give him "edge". The other picture is Olmos in his current incantation, Captain William Adama. Here's your leader. Eddie can bark out orders with the best of them. He would of course be required to wear this suit at all times. I would have to see what kind of weapons and special effect budget I could pull for the U.GL.F.A.P. But that Brings me to my next member of the team.

BRAINS: Steven Spielburg
What Can't this guy handle? he has 12 projects in production right now, as you read this he is in the process of doing more in the next 2 year than most production companies do in 50. Here is a list of situations Stevie can handle based of course on movies he is associated with.

Aliens and Space: He did Men in Black, ET, and AI (Is it me or would Drew Barrymore from ET and Hailey Joel Osmond from AI have been a super cute little kid couple). He is in the process of producing Transfomers, don't get me started there, and he also just announced Intersteller. I would feel bad for any Martian bitches who tried to run the coup on me with Spielio in the wait.

World Wars: I think Steven and Bosom Buddy Tom Hanks pretty much made up WWII, but they did it so well that he could handle it if it actually happened. Schindler's List, Saving Private Ryan, Band of Brothers, Survivors of the Holocaust (cough... didn't happen), and a buncha other crap are all set in this mythical war world he cashes in on. So if fiction ever become reality then Steve's got my back.

Cartoons: Steve Spielburg understands a vital fact in leadership. Keep your friends close and your enemies even closer. Cartoons are the enemy, they appeal to the youth and attempt to control your mind. How many people do you know who spew Family Guy lines none stop or can't get enough of South Park? Who Frames Roger Rabbit? Who cares so long as crazy ass Christopher Lloyd and his red eyes are friends of your teams brainiac. The Animaniacs are also terrifying, they are a rag tag family of crack addicts forced on our kids by generation fox kids. I need Steve on my side or I'll have cartoon Dinosaurs, Mice, Crack heads, Tinytoons, and rabbits all over my shit.

Ghosts and Sci-Fi: Casper, Gremlins, The Twilight Zone, Back to Future, and Sea Quest, to name a few. Steven Spielburg is like the teams Reed Richards, when it comes to fucking up stuff you never saw coming he'll answer the bell.

Bombs: Steven did Deep Impact which is like a bomb. But more importantly he did Joe Versus the Volcano which is far more lethal. If you watch it from start to finish it is so bad you immediately punch your ticket to hell. That's the power of Steven Spielburg.

But possible best of all he has shown the uncanny ability to mesh with crazies (as pictured) and come out unscathed.


MUSCLE: Kane
Many of you have already read my Baddass Awards, a trophy of a beef jerky molded shogun mounted on a a deer skull and set in copper given out by me to baddasses of exemplary stature. You must then understand how difficult this decision is for me. I decided to separate the team Baddass into two parts, neither of which can come from my awards. First, muscle. Kane from big time wrestling fits the mold. He looks like my old roommate and shoots fire when he comes to the ring. His nickname is the big red machine and that is also pretty cool.

CRAZY WILD CARD: Mel Gibson
The other part is the team psycho. Who better than the Anti Semitic liberator of Scotland? Gibson solves so many team needs. He gives the team a religious stance. He can best Gary Busy in a fist fight (Lethal Weapon). He can wield a sword taller than himself. Multiple time he has lead large groups of men into battle. He has become bat shit crazy. He knows how to survive in a post apocalyptic world, ensuring my team stands the test of time. And he knows how to kill Christ, which may come in handy should any rival most influential persons rise up to challenge me. Gibby would have that prick carrying crossed telephone poles down Curtis Clark Blvd. before he knew what hit him.

COVERT OPS SPECIALIST: Robosapien V2.0
This was a tough one. Needs are sneaky, mobile, smart, technologically savvy, small, and quiet. Steven Hawkins qualified for all but one, midgets are only funny once, and I didn't want to stay in just movies and television for my team. So I decided on Robosapien V2.0 for a multitude of reasons. One, I always wanted a robot servant. (V2.0 will be upgraded from the childs toy by Spielburgs animatronics people, did you see Jurassic Park?) Two, he is remote controlled, which means I can tag along on mission without having to risk of pulling a groin. Three, he can be an ambassador should we every encounter an enemy born of artificial intelligence. We all saw the Matrix. And lastly, Robosapien V2.0 wears a top hat, which can be employed at a diversionary tactic as he knows the entire library of old timey dances every created.

VEHICLE: Optimus Prime
The U.G.L.F.A.P. will cruise in style. With Steven Spielburg being the executive producer on Optimus's first live action movie I am sure we can convince him to use his semi truck body as a mobile base of operations. Optimus will also be used as the cavalry should things get hairy in the middle of a fire fight. There could be concerns Optimus Prime would unseat Olmos as team leader being that he is the leader of the autobots, but the pecking order of Spielburg under Olmos ensures Prime wont piss off his movies executive producer and grab teh reins.