Straight to DVD

I thought of the next awesome reality TV show. On the heels of the "lets take a washed up celebrity, pay them nothing, and put their personal lives on TV" movement, comes the next great house full of assholes. This will be chalked full of hyper links, some relevant, some that I just wanted to add.

Straight to DVD
The Girls Gone Wild of washed up action stars who live off their straight to DVD releases.

What does straight to DVD have to offer? Why the greatest actions stars of the late 80's early 90's that's what. Here's how it goes. Instead of stupid real world road rules events, these guys fight to death in a winner takes all tournament all while having to open a ice cream shop together. Each week a new guys has to undertake keeping the ice cream shop in the black while putting his foe 6 feet under. The winner gets to endorse the years new Bow Flex model, keep the ice cream shop, and have the satisfaction of knowing that they could've kicked the shit out their box office foes all along.

I know what you are thinking.... Roster Please

Jean-Claude Van Damme (Muscles from Brussels is the poster child for this show)
Steven Seagal (More great Seagal cartoons, give it a minute to get good.)
Mr. T (A Team, Rocky III, the Alphabet, Lymphoma)
Dolph Lundgren (He needs his own cologne, simply called "Dolph")
Welsey Snipes (Now a Days the only thing this guy is dodging is the IRS)
Don "the Dragon" Wilson (The only real fighter in the mix, it's a shame he made the worse films)
Marc Singer (Bag full of ferrets is his ace in the hole)
Christopher Lambert (Doesn't age, changes accents, can use a sword, can you say dark horse)

There will be a clamor from a bunch of retards about Arnold, Sly, Chuck Norris, Mel Gibson, and Bruce Willis, but those guys still make money doing stuff other than straight to DVD movies. The list above are the guys who would crawl over the others dead body to have a career again.

Match 1

Van Damn vs Mark Singer
Marc Singer looks to be in pretty good shape now a days judging from his IMDB photos, though a little Mark Hamillish for my taste. Unfortunately for him Van Damme has a thirst for blood and women that can only be quenched by resurrecting his career. Van Damme still wears leather pants and hits on everything that moves. The only thing that slows him down is his urge to dance (the little girls freak out in the background, at the end he gets a boner). Chances are no matter how many animals Singer throws his way Van Damme will super splits kick them to death on his way to victory. Goes like this. Singer tosses bag of ferrets at Van Damme. Van Damme kicks them out of the air and they explode in the process. Singer gets enraged and charges JCVD. Van Damme split punches Singer in the balls, claps both hands on his ears, and screams the Van Damme scream. Game, set, match... which sounds like a future straight to DVD title if Van Damme keeps the momentum going.

Match 2
Steven Seagal vs Dragon Wilson
Look in real life Don "The Dragon" Wilson would kill Steven Seagal, but for that matter so would I. Seagal is a bloated ego megalomaniac that doesn't spend much time on this continent because he's such a joke. Don Wilson is a bad ass, dude is considered the greatest kick boxer who ever lived. He's had every major belt and still beats ass at 53. But what he didn't know is that week 2's fight was staged in a pool hall. Anyone who has ever scene a Seagal movie knows what's going to happen. Seagal downs his new signature drink and then Wilson kicks the shit out of Seagal and his gay ass akido fighting style until Seagal grabs a pool stick. Wilson goes for the ax kick and it breaks the pool stick in half. It's time for yet another Steven Seagal sticks fight scene. Seagal goes all Out For Justice (skip to the 3 minute part) on Wilson, ending it with the awesome pool ball twisted in a bandanna move that was actually pretty fucking sweet. He knocks "the dragon's" teeth out and then stabs a pool stick half through his mouth and out his head. After the win Seagal does some bull shit poetry before having to get the fuck out of their to avoid a gay bashing at the hands of the bikers who frequent the place.

Match 3
Mr. T Vs Wesley Snipes
Of course the producers of this show will make the two black dudes fight in round one. Snipes loves martial arts and because of that has become a joke. Mr. T is an anomaly, guy did breakfast cereal ads, Cartoons, The A Team, movies, and now World of War Craft commercials. He has kind of a cult popularity, not unlike Chuck Norris. Unfortunately he also has cancer and wears more gold jewelry than a New York Jew. Mr. T makes one To Wong Fu joke and snipes goes ape shit. Snipes chokes Mr. T out with his own gold chair and then says "Who you pitying now?...fool" After he's done wooping T's ass he calls out Ryan Reynolds for stealing the spotlight in Blade Trinity.

Match 4
Dolph Lundgren Vs Christopher Lambert
Neither of these guys really lit it up at the box office, they were both pretty much straight to VHS guys back in the days. Lambert thought he had pulled a fast one when he convinced the producers to make it a sword fight. He flashes some Highlander sword techniques during the fight introductions to intimidate Lundgren. Just after the bell rings Lambert realizes what a catastrophic mistake he's made. Lundgren hold his sword above his head and screams "I have the Power!" The Castle Grayskull pops up out of the ground, Lungren's clothes fly off to reveal just a loin cloth, and he starts to glow. Lambert pisses himself and wishes he could remember his terrible lines from Mortal Combat to try and channel his innner Raiden. Before Lambert can say HiaBobalia Dolph is cleaning the blood off of his sword and getting back into his universal solider cooling chamber to recharge. Victory.

Quickly we are down to Van Damme, Seagal, Snipes, and Lundgren. Number 1 seed Van Damme can already imagine all the pussy he is going to get from winning this epic struggle. Seagal is contemplating if he can still be cast as either Asian or Native American now that he's pushing 3 bills. Wesley Snipes wishes Woody Harrelson would agree to "White Men Can't Jump II; Back to the Asphalt" so he can pay his fucking bills. And Dolph Lundgren just keeps repeating "I Must Break You" in hopes of being asked to do another I love the 80's VH1 clip show.

Semi Final Fight 1
Jean Claude Van Damme Vs Dolph Lundgren
Van Damme and Lundgren worked together on Universal Soldier. JCVD knows Lundgren's weakness is wood chippers. Lundgren knows Van Damme can't resist dancing and girls in spandex. After some prefight mocking the fight starts and immediately turns to pure chaos. Van Damme arranges the fight to be held at a lawn and garden expo. Lundgren get's the girls from the Rump Shaker video to show up and dance to C and C Music Factory's "Everybody Dance Now." The crowd of middle class white trash is confused to see the guy from Bloodsport grinding 40 year old black women on a mound of mulch while Ivan Drago curls up into a ball and weeps as the noise of a wood chipper grows louder and louder. After the Rump Shaker dancers get tired of dealing with Van Damme's boner he stop dancing just in time to see some semi truck driver come in wielding a shotgun. The guy comes after JCVD and wood chip covered Dolph screaming to put a stop to this"This filthy unchristian fagot shit." Van Damme scurries out of there just in time, crab walking with his hips tilted down because of his boner. Lundgren was not so lucky, they used his body as kindling to start a good ol fashion Harry Potter book burning.

Semi Final Fight 2
Steven Seagal Vs Wesley Snipes
Snipes wanted to go all Demolition man on Seagal's career, but physical neglect and "spirituality" already did that. That means Willy Mayz Haze is overly confident. Seagal gets off the phone with the Dali Lama and agrees with Snipes that the best place to have this contest would be in a dojo with a full weapon rack. Snipes is in love with Kung Fu and Seagal used to know how to throw around much smaller Japanese guys, but both love weapons. Snipes loves the katana, Seagal the Ax, he rocks the ax (better vid). The fights starts 45 minutes after Seagal sqeezes into his XXXL Karate unitard and just after Snipes show up after posting bail. Swords clash and for 37 solid seconds the fight brought back reminders of the glory days. On the 38th second Seagal's heart exploded or at least that's what Wesley Snipes thought. In fact at that moment Steven Seagal became enlightened and reached a higher level of consciousness. All of his bullshit spirituality, his retarded rhetoric, the way he dresses, all of the things a comedic empire has been built upon, they finally got theirs. Seagal had been waiting his whole life for this moment. His hair broke from its pony tail holder to fly wild in the fans set up to create "air" in an indoor fight. His arms raised above his head for the first time since he broke 3 bills and he screamed out to the heavens "This is what awesome feels like" (A real quote from his autobiography Still Kicking that I stole from Brian Staffords Facebook page) as he floats into the air. Snipes doesn't know what to do, first the man came calling, now the "MAN" has come calling. Seagal floats down to the floor and waits for Snipes to attack, because that's how stupid Akido is. Snipes looks Seagal in the eyes and says "Do I look ready?" Seagal looks him head to toe and responds in an quite enlightened tone "There's only one way to find out." Snipes tries a punch but Seagal deflects it and drives his fingers into Snipes side, ripping his kidneys out. As Snipes body falls limp to the ground Seagal tosses the kidneys to his agents "Find out what we can get on the black market for these. I promised the band I pay for gas this time around and I spent my last few bucks at Carl's Jr."

Final
Jean Claude Van Damme Vs Steven Seagal
The dream match up. 20 years ago it would have been the attractive almost American hero vs the lanky Asian/Indian environmental rights activist/Detective. We may have cared then, now we just want one of them to die. They fight on a ring floating in the middle of a soon be erupting volcano. Van Damme has spent the time between his last fight and this one practicing like a classic 80's montage. He's now able to kick through trees and do the splits with his feet resting on running ban saws. Seagal's ego has caught up with his new divine understanding to see him fashion himself as a demigod. Seagal starts shooting uzi's with lighting bolt bullets at Van Damme who uses Guile sonic booms to meet the bullets in mid air. Van Damme counters by making a double impact clone of himself and coming at Seagal from both sides. Seagal grabs his sitar and plays excruciating music that shatters the JCVD clone to pieces. Van Damme recovers to land a series of Van Damme splits kicks into the side of Seagal's bulbous head. Seagal staggers and instinctively searchs desperately for a pool cue or environmental issue to hide behind. None are to be found. Van Damme stalks Seagal to the edge of the Volcano and asks "How does it feel to be hunted?" Seagal stops and in a moment of clarity begins to beat box a bad techno beat. Van Damme's legs involuntarily begin to dance. Seagal raises from one knee, still beat boxing while tossing in a few lasers noises for good measure. Van Damme looks like a marionette, he cannot control he legs, he has to dance. He so enjoys Seagal's techno beat that an erection forms in his tight tight pants. Seagal rears back and begins to pummel JCVD back towards the other edge of the volcano. Just as Van Damme is about to fall into the lava he reaches back and grabs Seagal's hair. Seagal has refused to cut his hair since it allows his to be cast in multiple ethnicity which he will use to his advantage after resurrecting his career. They have reached a stalemate, Seagal's sheer weight will not allow them to topple into the lava and JCVD's super masturbator grip cannot be broken. Seagal taunts JCVD by saying "You've were always a B Rate talent Jean-Claude." Van Damme is furious "You're a joke to fat ass, you couldn't even pull off an 80's training montage in any of your films." Seagal can't stand the accusation, he whips JCVD back into the ring by his hair. Van Damme lands with a thud, but tumbles to his feet. A lock of Seagal's hair is wrapped around his hand and covered with blood from Seagal's scalp. Van Damme wraps the hair tight to his fist and charges Seagal. Seagal Akido tosses Van Damme, using his own momentum to send him over the edge to his death. Seagal raises his arms triumphantly. "I want a producer out here immediately to start works on my newest Enviro action film Solar Power. The true story of me, Steven Seagal, a sun powered justice machine who cannot be stopped on his way to enlightenment." During Seagal's rant JCVD appears out of no where clicking a button on his Time Cop watch. He had teleported just before his fall into the lava. In the distance the ghost of Bruce Lee comes walking over the mountain ridge with a stereo over his head like John Cusack in "Say Anything." C and C Music factory begins to play and Van Damme's urge to dance begins to overcome him again. Bruce Lee looks JCVD in the eyes and says "It is time." Van Damme begins to be able to control his urge as the boner in his pants begins to grow. Seagal seethes anger at Bruce Lee. "Lee!" he shouts. Seagal slowly turns as JCVD charges him with a ranging boner. Van Damme does the Guile flash kick into Seagal and stabs him under the chin up into his brain with his hard on. Van Damme screams the Van Damme scream and Seagal perishes under the might of Van Damme's focused creepy sexual energy. Van Damme bows to Bruce Lee's ghost who winks at JCVD. Van Damme's eyes widen from fear, realizing Bruce Lee wants them all dead so he can keep the crown of greatest action star of all time. Just then the volcano erupts. JCVD is burned to death by gallons of molten lava, the last part of him to melt away his tiny boner. Bruce Lee's ghost rides down the mountain on a rock slab sitting indian style wearing 70's style aviators and sweating like mad. He looks into the camera and says "It's like Water Man."