Wolverine Vs Predator still.....

I was reminded today of two things.

The first is of the most ridiculous and lopsided fight ever thought of. The second is that I'm a huge dork.

Back in high school (yes my high school memories are not of my legendary football moments, but rather of arguments I got about who would win a fight between two random fantasy characters) there was this stupid debate at our table over who would win a fight.

Wolverine

or

The Predator

I know what you are thinking, but Curtis that's a laugh, everyone knows that Wolverine would skull fuck the Predator in a fight. Yes well as it turns out not every one. Zack Heaton, my best friend at this time, was a green techno music dork who definetly wandered into the wrong nerd waters. He took the Predators side and preceded to take shit for the next 5 years about it.

Before I get into this stupid argument I'll tell you why it came up. My friend Ashely called me today to ask me if Wolverine would need a weight belt to go scuba diving...... she is a woman... called me of her own accord.... no money was put up to do this.

So we debated the bone density of his adamantium skeleton and the total weight he of his body in comparison to his height, along with scenes in comics I have seen of him swimming. The conclusion, he sinks fast. It's a few minutes I want back, because if I am going to debate what a fantasy character can do, it's not going to be if he sinks or swims. It's gonna be who's ass he can kick.

Predator vs Wolverine.....

Wolverine has beaten in a one on one fight--off the top of my head-- Cable, Sabertooth, Omega Red, a legion of brood aliens, Bishop, Cyclops, Lobo (DC Marvel cross over... lame), Cap'n America, Iron Man, and fought The Hulk to a draw twice. He has killed countless hordes of baddies that you only see half a bloody body of as he makes his way into another picture panel smoking a cigar. He has survived innumerable amounts of explosions, poison, guns shots, stabs, burns, and broken hearts.... Damn you red....

That means, eye lasers, plasma guns, energy absorption, regeneration, super strength, robotic suits of armor, black anger, and freedom can't beat him.

The Predator has guns, a disk shooter, mandibles, green blood, dreadlocks, and the ability to blow himself up...rad.

Wolverine pretty much can't be killed, has unbreakable bones and claws, can smell blood from miles away, has more body hair than my dad, better one liners than Arnold, fought in WW2, was trained as a samurai, and has a mind full of crazy memories that even professor X wont go near. Plus he is all over those button up shirts at Hot topic that dorks wear to weddings.

It goes like this.

1. Predator turns invisible and climbs a tree. Wolverine lights up a cigar and drinks a beer.
2. Predator sneaks around with his crazy vision and takes a pop shot and Wolverine. Wolverine drops his beer from the laser charring all the flesh off of his hand.
3. Predator fires a bunch more hokey disks and lasers at Wolverine who take as many as he needs to the chest to sober himself up.
4. Wolverine regenerates behind a tree peeling off the rest of the flannel he didn't want to be wearing in the first place. The predator moves in to finish the job.
5. Wolverine smells where the predator is because he is a dirty alien. What follows happens to all the C villians marvel wants to kill off but make it memorable, they let their money machine Wolverine do it.
6. The Predator pulls out his gay Darth Maul wanna be staff and starts to try and beat Wolverine down. Wolverine cuts it in half while saying "bad move bub".
7. The Predator's shoulder cannon shoots wolverine in the face. Wolverine takes it so he can get closer to the Predator.
8. Wolverine uses the eye he has left to size up the Predator and stabs him in the neck.
9. The Predator screams that pussy scream they gave him and runs to the nearest Wendy's bathroom to ground up porcelain in his melting dish and cauterize the wound.
10. Wolverine stalks him to the bathroom with all his flesh back and more hair growth in those regions than any Italian could ever muster in that time.
11. Wolverine kicks open the door and castrates the Predator in the Wendy's bathroom. The predator lays on his back and says "fuck you" in his mandible garble.
12. As the stupid alien clock on his arm winds down Wolverine goes out and orders a frosty. Nothing is better for a hang over than a frosty. He takes one bite when the whole building blows up.
13. Wolverine walks out of the ruble with no clothes and a ton of burn marks. His dick, the first thing to regenerate, is already bigger than the Predators was erect.

While that is being generous to the Predator, because Wolverine was drunk at the start of the fight, there is an easier solution. That solution is the two word answer to why the Predator can never beat Wolverine in a fight no matter how drunk he wants to be when it starts.

Danny Glover