Where Labor Day Ranks

Labor Day, what the hell is that? I mean we have a ton of holidays in this America of ours. Christmas, Thanks Giving, Presidents Day, Memorial Day, The Super Bowl, Valentines Day, St. Patrick's Day, Independence Day, New Years Eve, and Easter to name a few.

So where does Labor Day rank? Probably fucking last to be honest. I mean since when in the last 15 years have American's really given a damn about the people Labor Day was created for? You know blue collar folk.

No I don't mean the people you see on the Country Music Channel, I mean coal miners, farmers, assembly line workers, people who can't spell the names off all the things they can't buy with all the money they aren't earning.

That is not a rip by the way, as many of you know my dad is a farmer and does quite well, but he definitely doesn't know what the hell the internet is, nor can he spell it. The point is he doesn't care.

So in this modern America we need to list our holidays based on how American they really are. Here is the list of where these Holidays land.

1. CHRISTMAS
Christmas is so much the boner of the holiday bunch that even Jews are getting in the act. You get free shit from people, eat terrific food, see family members you haven't seen all year, and tell funny family stories. Christmas lets Americans do the one thing that we do best, spend alot of money on a buncha shit to show how wealthy we are.

2. SUPER BOWL
WHAT EVER. I don't care if this isn't an actually holiday. The Super Bowl is America. God Damn Air Force Jets flying overhead, more fireworks than lesbian mud wrestling, Beer, Babes, Hank Williams Jr, and men hitting men. If it was guaranteed to be a good game every year it would be number 1. GO LIONS

3. PRESIDENTS DAY
I know what your saying, Curtis are you stupid we don't even get work off on Presidents Day and when the Hell is it. Well no I am not stupid you are, and if you can't call in sick to celebrate the most American thing there is then you suck. Presidents day is the third Monday in February and it rocks for one simple reason. America has the oldest government in the world and is the template most new governments are based of off. We had Washington, Lincoln, and alot of other badass's as our President. We may not like the one we have, but the fact is the American President is the most powerful man in the world. How American is it to be powerful? the most American that's how American.

4. THANKSGIVING
The reason Thanksgiving makes this list of where it ranks in American-ness is not why you would think. I mean yes we all picture the Turkey diner, the fam sitting and laughing, the corn, the listing of things we are thankful for. But why it is American is simple, right after we sat and ate with the Indians on the first Thanksgiving we promptly started killing them for the next 200 years. Thanksgiving is the first documented time that Americans started a true American tradition, making friends with people and then killing them and taking their assets. Now that's as American as Apple Pie.

5. INDEPENDENCE DAY
Somewhere in every American is an undying urge to stick it to the English. We smoked them out of the New World to earn our Independence and they have been licking their wounds since. I mean think about WWII, we let the Nazi's beat the shit out of them for a few years before we swooped in and saved the day. You think Roosevelt didn't plan that shit, he just wanted to add to the list of things we do better than them. So what is Independence Day really to Americans? It is a reminder of how much better we are than the British. Get Fucked and get Dental you limey pricks.

6. MEMORIAL DAY
We have had alot of people die in war for this country and it is to distastefuly for me to joke about that. Memorial Day is a great holiday and truely American. I wont kid about it. We pay homage to all the people who sacrifice their lives to give people like me the opportunity to sit here in my spare time and write a little insignificant blog poking fun at America loving America.

8. FLAG DAY
Fly it proud folks, the Red, White, and Blue is the most hated and loved flag in the world. If you don't have a flag, a mini flag, a flag shirt, and a flag bumper sticker then your a communist. Flag Day is when we let the rest of the world know who the hell we are.

7. LABOR DAY
No it isn't last. Labor Day weekend is the drunkest weekend of the year and that's pretty American. College Football starts, Baseball games are played, Budweiser makes bank, and the summer closes out in a bang. Labor Day its self isn't that great, no one really celebrates the working class but the working class, but any three day weekend is pretty cool by American standards.

8. St. PATRICK'S DAY
Now St. Patty's is a celebration of when Saint Patrick purged the Emerald Isles of all snakes back in the day. That is a load of bullshit and we Americans know it. St. Patrick's Day is really the day during the year when we all get drunks like Irishmen and dress up like Leprechauns. Its like one big joke about how many Irish men are alcoholics and how fun it is to mock them. As Americans it is our duty to point out and mock as many strange customs that other countries have as possible.

9. Three Way Tie Between EASTER, VALENTINES DAY, and NEW YEARS EVE
These holidays suck, Valentines Day is a day of everything pink and to many assholes thinking it is romantic to propose on Valentines Day. Get a clue chotch, the girl wants you put some thought into it, not pick the most obvious date in a calendar year. I am not sure what Easter even is, I stopped caring. Easter is the one holiday you can miss and no one cares. I think it is supposed to be the day Jesus took his body with him to heaven. Ya I am going to believe that the guy whose mom didn't have sex to have him took what was left of his body after it the Jews in the Passions of the Christ got done with him back to Heaven with him. First of all would want their physical body in Heaven when no one else has one? I mean your not gonna have sex using it in Heaven. I can imagine how that conversation goes.

Jesus - "Ya so this is what I looked like back on earth, I mean minus the broken shit and all that blood, I was kind of a big thing. You know I am the only one up here that has one of these."

Hot Girl Ghost - "...."

Jesus - "So did I mention my dad owns this place?"

Hot Girl Ghost walks away.

As for New Years sure we all get drunk which I mentioned above is pretty American, but that's it. I mean we make a promise we never keep in the form of a resolution and then the next day happens. Every country has New Years and every country does it the same.

That's it then, if I forgot a holiday then it doesn't matter.